The Context: https://people.com/man-says-married-female-friend-revealed-she-fell-in-love-with-him-11719375 [N: the reading prerequisite]
**Spoiler Alert!** This is mostly a Conceptual discussion FYI. Whenever You wanna “tap out”? You do You. But if You wanna stick around, You might learn something useful.
. . .
“I felt I’d made a new best friend. Almost like a sibling.” – PASSION is speaking, here.
“We had that instant ‘wow you really get me’ spark,” he said. – PASSION again. This tells Me this Man & His Ladyfriend are ‘Soulmates,’ according to Me.
“his friend started “distancing” herself from him.” – this is tricky. My guess? This Man is PASSION-Primary, the Ladyfriend is likely TECH-Primary, and because the Man’s behavior inspired the Lady’s PASSION side of Her SB to “rear Her ugly head” – it scared Her.
“knows distancing herself from him was “absolutely the right thing to do,” but also admits that “I now feel devastated.” – TECH “knows it’s the Right thing to do” blah blah blah. PASSION is the one Who feels devastated, as this is a potential disConnection – and disConnected from PASSION – for any reason – is super painful.
“I almost feel like I’m grieving.” – feelings = PASSION. A huge tell.
“Maybe because I know now we can never be friends again?” – TECH rearing “His ugly head.”
“And I feel so sad for her that she’s in all that pain [N: PASSION] — and I can’t make it any better,” [N: TECH, Mr. Fix-It] he added.
“Why am I so sad?” the man asked at the end of his post, adding, “Please help me rationalize this.”
This last sentence here: This is a Rookie mistake. He’s looking for Proof that this is the right move to make AKA disConnecting from this Ladyfriend. Me? I disagree. Ignoring – suppressing PASSION – always bites Me in the @$$. Without Fail.
This Commenter, responding to the Man, was actually pretty accurate in this particular assessment: “You are absolutely allowed to grieve the loss of an important friendship and partnership,” one person said. “It sounds like this came completely out of [left field] for you. Please give yourself some time to process. Your friend has had a whole other narrative going on throughout the relationship and you are left to process a ton of new information.”
This Other Person [N: AKA Someone Else] kinda screwed the pooch IMO; “the Road to Hell is paved with the Best Intentions”:
“This is really sad OP. Very rare to make a new friend you really click with in adulthood, and your shared business venture sounded exciting. It’s a big loss for you so be kind to yourself.” – Someone is saying “the way to get past this moment is to focus on self-soothing.” I never recommend this Seed, because if this Man is an alcoholic IRL, He’s gonna use this negative situation to fall off the wagon, hypothetically speaking of course.
“It’s a disenfranchised loss too as you can’t really talk about your sadness about this to your own wife I’d imagine,” the same person added. – Here? This OP – well-meaning, I’m sure – is projecting: If I am imagining Myself in this situation, I personally could Never Talk To My Wife about it. That’s where this Someone is coming from by verbalizing this. It’s Conceptual advice, pointing at Myself.
If I was this Man? Here’s what I would do, to “Do it Over Again.” I would tweak a few things because I don’t want to break My Own heart this way, IRL, under any circumstances.
- Right from the beginning of this Connection with this Ladyfriend? Let’s call Her “Jane.” I would start talking about Jane indirectly. Mentioning Her name as I share Work Stories during dinnertime. I would observe My Wife’s reactions/response – let’s call Her “Melissa.”- and if Melissa verbalized any extreme emotions or body language that told Me She’s triggered, I’d hafta try to piece that out, carefully, over time. But I would keep pecking at it, like a Chicken. [N: I am trying to reduce Melissa’s feelings of “I’m threatened by this Other Woman” AKA Jane]
- I would invite Jane over to have dinner with Me & My Wife. With IRL mutual Experience data – instead of the Conceptual data in Melissa’s SB – She could more easily gather IRL Truthful data firsthand that Jane is My Sister AKA Buddy, not a air-quotes “Potential Sexual Partner.” Note: this IRL mutual Experience data also would have benefited Jane… Who I’m guessing “fell in Love with Me” because of the Concept of Me in Her Own SB is irresistible – instead of the Reality of Me, IRL. [N: Note however that Conceptual People super-imposed on IRL People are basically grenades waiting to go off – and blow Everybody up]
- I would always Prioritize the Relationship with Melissa. If – despite My best intentions & efforts – She, in a moment of communication & vulnerability – says to Me: “Conner? I just don’t feel comfortable with Jane. I’m sorry. I know You like Her, but I just… can’t.” If Melissa takes one more step & demands I disConnect with Jane, here? She’s making a Rookie mistake – Melissa has lost the plot – because My Wife is Not the Boss of Me. This kind of directive breeds feelings of resentment. [N: in Me, and in My Own SB] So in My hypothetical scenario, Melissa stops before taking that step.
I don’t know how much this Man truly loves His Wife. I don’t know and.. it’s irrelevant. All these People are Conceptual to Me, personally. But doing this Thought Exercise every so often is constructive, because My SB gets “all the sides of the Elephant” perspective data, for when I am in a Real Life situation – this exact situation – and what moves I can make to try to get to My Own Happy Ending, regardless of which Character role I am reading for in this stage performance.
. . .
Conner’s Comments: Does this always result in a Happy Ending? Nope. But.. a Happy Ending Is Possible. Anything is Possible. But each Human Being lives the Life They want to, and Becomes the Person They want to become. It’s all choices. And Priorities. And balancing Everybody’s needs, both internally & externally.
Good Luck.
/CR