I hate My Name, if You asked Me IRL.
Ok, maybe ‘hate’ is too strong a word. [N: “Over Time” I have added to a List of Words I try to Not use in IRL everyday conversation, mostly because of the feelings those labels manifest for PASSION: hate is at the Top of that List]
And I know Why I’ve felt “hate” for My name – I’m guessing it’s because My Mom & Dad thought it up. And gave it to Me. “Assigned it” to Me.
They don’t know Me! They never knew Me!? And into this mental File in My SB – the “ME” File, that holds all the data of Who I Am, My Identity, etc. etc. I poured all of My anger, and sadness, and frustration, and trauma into My Own File… all distilled down into TECH’s evaluation: “Nobody Knows Who I Am. Nobody Cares. Nobody Loves Me…”
I mean, think about it: If My actual flesh-and-blood Parents – those Human Beings who are supposed to Love Me, Protect Me, and protect Me from all harm – were treating Me this way, what did this mean? Was there Something “Wrong with” Me, specifically? Did I deserve this treatment? Am I just… Bad?
But this isn’t the Story I’m telling right now. [N: those Stories, DR – those parts of My History that, traditionally, captured a ton of NEC? Those aren’t Stories easily told. Those Stories are overwhelming – and if I eat too much of the Elephant at one time? My stomach will burst]
Back to My Story: What’s in a Name?
If I ask You what Your Name is, I’ve already Connected with You – emotionally – in some UNKN way. [N: UNKN to You, usually] And sometimes? UNKN to Me also. “I can’t quite put My finger on it…” but I think the reason I can’t – My guess – is because those are details that PASSION doesn’t care about. It’s “irrelevant” to PASSION, the “Why.” PASSION just feels things. PASSION just “jumps in with both feet.” PASSION just “leaps,” hoping for the best. Hoping that “the net will appear.” [N: thanks, Zen Folks, for saying that]
And asking for Your Name is how TECH identifies the “DR” File. Once I have the mental File established, TECH can start acquiring data in it. As We (You & Me) start acquiring IRL mutual Experience data together, DR, that’s how I start “getting to know You” – it’s how I want You to be My Friend. It’s how I end up Loving You. [N: and Love – like Dying – is never air-quotes ‘The End’]
So when You ask for My Name, DR? It’s a tell.
It tells Me that some part of Our interaction, so far, has triggered Your Own SB. Likely, You are feeling dopamine jolts. It only takes about two distinct meetings AKA interactions for Me to decide, “I like this Other Person! I feel… happy! I want this feeling to continue!” And I start to seek You out. Pick You out of the crowd. Change My movements to cross paths with You more frequently. [N: some SuperFans-of-Celebrities do this, because They are only using Conceptual data… which is where the term “Stalking” comes from FYI]
No, it’s not all roses & kittens after that. Not every fairy tale ends in “Happily Ever After.”
And this is where I – begrudgingly, maybe – give TECH a lot of credit.
TECH is really skilled, filing & organizing & segregating Experience data from Conceptual data. Which, is important – because Experience data is weighed heavier in TECH’s evaluation(s). It has to be – it’s the Experience data that’s going to keep Me from getting murdered loll.
. . .
Conner’s Comments: It saves My SB a lot of time, to just “Trust You” IRL, from the beginning of Our Connection, and then gather the IRL Experience data afterwards. As this data is acquired? TECH evaluates to see if it is “consistent” or if it is “variant” to the rest of the data in the “DR” File. If it remains “variant” but with No Resolution – We don’t talk, communication doesn’t happen IRL, or You violate My personal boundaries in some way – Imma disConnect from You. Imma “cut You loose” and go fish in another pond.
And a note on Personal Boundaries: I realized, very recently, that My Own “personal boundaries” are UNKN to Me – until some Other Person “crosses” them. So it’s not like You can get the cheat codes ahead of time.
That’s not how this Game is played, after all.