You know how “People Say” – first of all, Who are these People?!? Who Says?? And Why should I care?!?… – PASSION! “Come back to the light, come back…” There’s a Good Girl.
Ok, where was I? Oh Yes, I remember.
The oft-touted phrase in Current Day is, “Pretend Your Mother Is Watching.” And – My guess, here – is that well-meaning TECH Folks use this phrase to manage the Other Person’s behavior. The intent is for this Other Person – regardless of Who this OP is – to “make Good choices.” [N: I personally hate this phrase loll]
*Spoiler Alert!* They probably are gonna blow You off, DR. You are Not the Boss of Them. [N: all You are doing is pushing them underground… the iceberg below the water line]
But back to My Story.
The necessary Context: Imagine, DR, You are a Parent of a younger-than-legal Adulthood age Child. Let’s make You… “Mom.”
Okay! You are Mom, and Your goal is to teach this Kid how to “clean Their room.” it all sounds good in theory, right? Well, here’s where You probably are f#cking it up. “The best laid plans go awry” fits here.
It all starts out good – They are little Toddler-sized rugrats and “after We play with Our toys, We put them Away inside the toy box…” or wherever the toys are “put away” in Your House. [N: and No, I am not trying to subliminally make You go out and “buy a toybox”!? grrrr]
And You, Mom? You typically do this at least a few times, depending on how many balls You hafta juggle day in and day out.
So let’s now imagine some F#cker is tossing You more balls to juggle. [N: this is where that “Sh#t Happens” rears its ugly head]
Your TECH probably figures, “Little Billy knows where His toys get put away when He’s done playing with them…” so now You are just going to give LB the verbal directive AKA command. And… hope for the best. [N: this part? It’s called “Winging It”]
No, DR, I’m not ignoring the Devil. [N: AKA I’m not ignoring the Details AKA “the Context”, here]
But I’m here to point out to You that “You Missed a Spot.”
You, Mom, skipped a step for this Kid’s SB – an unimportant one in Your Own Adult-sized SB, agreed, but not in this Kid’s little, still-developing SB! You are 1) Not giving Him enough data, and 2) Not showing Him how to use it!
“But-But-But Conner!?? I TOLD Him where the TOYS get put away at!!”
Agreed, You did that much. But You don’t get any prizes, Mom, unless & until You “see it all the way through.”
Let’s jump into those details, now.
- You played with Little Billy. [N: so far, so good…]
- Then, You showed Little Billy “where the toys go” and added the necessary Context for Him by adding, “when We are done playing with Our toys, they get put away in the toy box.” [N: good, good. keep going…]
- When Little Billy fails to execute the desired behavior? Imma drop the hammer. [N: scream/yell/spank/punish etc. etc.]
See? You DID Skip a Step! Let’s go back to what fits in #3.
What didn’t You do that You should have, DR? You should have watched Little Billy execute the behavior.
Because You didn’t firsthand observe Little Billy “putting those toys away into the toy box” You have No Proof that He can do it correctly! DUh. I know You wanna just assume that He can do it, but You know ‘What They Say’ about assuming, right?
No, poor Little Billy isn’t a moron. He isn’t stupid. [N: And if You label Him verbally like this, You are doing Your Child a great disservice IMO]
He’s just… New.
Think about it. Maybe three or four years ago? This Kid did Not Even Exist, as a fellow Human Being – Child or otherwise – walking around on this planet! He came in as “a blank slate”! There is nothing – literally, nothing – in His Invisible Library yet!! [N: okay, maybe not nothing by now. But certainly, not as much data as You, DR, have in Your adult-sized Files]
Step #3 is basic. Here it is:
“After playing with the toys – right before You flip the pancake, Mom – I want You to tell Billy, ‘Ok! Now Imma let You put Your own toys away, okay Honey? Imma just sit over here, quietly, and watch You do it. To make sure You can do it on Your own without Mommy’s help from now on, Okay?’”
This last “Okay” is super KEY, because what You are doing here, DR, is asking for this Human Being’s Consent. If Little Billy responds like He’s fearful or afraid, it means He is not sure of Himself yet, and You have to flip Your Own SB into Support mode now – meaning, TECH hands the speaking stick to PASSION, and PASSION helps to self-soothe Little Billy. [N: even though Billy is not self-soothing, yet, don’t get caught up in the terminology – this is a TECH Rabbit Hole – because We need to clearly articulate what self-soothing is for Billy’s Future Adulthood]
Trust Little Billy in His behaviors, and in His verbal speech. He will let You know if “He’s got it.” He will let You know when “He needs Your Support.”
You? You just hafta be Loving Him enough to pay attention, Mom.
Good luck.