Category: Raising My Offspring

Banksy fascinates Me. The Dude has it down. Who are Banksy’s Helpers? I know He has Helpers – and My SB pictures Banksy as a “He” probably because I Myself am a “He” – and since Banksy is the Main Character in this Story? That’s Who Imma identify with. But I digress – Banksy has Helpers, because if You are lugging a paint can around & tagging random walls all over the place? Someone’s gonna notice.

Mr. Rogers – who is a Visionary in My Book – could speak directly with Kids, using the Kid’s own unique dialect. “When in Rome” eh? Mr. R’s whole mojo – whole schtick, if You will – was Connecting with a Child’s Subonscious Mind. Giving Me – now identifying as this Kid – a map of navigating My Own thoughts & feelings… emotions… and frustrations. Fred taught Me how to vent My anger in a way so as to not hurt Myself or Others. Taught Me how to express My sadness – and how to self-soothe – but not so much in excess as to create a Rabbit Hole where I run to & hide in the dark, trying to numb My Own pain with whatever – drugs, booze, sex, working too much, playing games too much, etc. etc. Mr. Rogers taught Me – when I needed air-quotes ‘Help’ or I needed “a Safe Space” – to look for the Helpers.

Mr. Fred Rogers is a Visionary. [N: and I use the word “is” specifically AKA on purpose – like “Jesus Christ is still JC” beyond His physical Human Life on this rock] And My Soulmate… because I totally ‘get’ it. “I ‘see’ You, Freddy!”

Kids? They are pretty much f#cked in Current Day. The invention of the internet – as amazing as this tool is [N: I mean DUh! I’m using the internet right now] – became a “Reasonable Substitute” for IRL Connection between Human Beings in the Physical World. We did it to Ourselves: We created the Dinosaurs who escaped the Park and now are terrorizing the Villagers – and Nobody Knows how to put those Dinosaurs back into Pandora’s Box.

If a Kid is living in a toxic Family Home – something I know about firsthand -Who do they reach out to? How do They Find the Helpers? Their peers? That’s the blind leading the blind, IMO. Children – by design – do not possess all the “required & necessary data” in Their Own mental Files yet, to successfully navigate Adult-sized problems: “My Dad’s an alcoholic” -or- “My Mom can’t buy enough food for Me to eat” -or- “My Uncle/Big Brother/Soccer Coach/local Priest/Dad is touching Me underneath My t-shirt… or underneath My underwear… or sticking Their fingers or Their tongue in My…”

The Answer? Kids in Current Day don’t bother looking for Helpers. Not anymore, anyways. Kids Nowadays go directly to offing themselves. “Do Not pass Go, do Not collect $200.” [N: but that’s Another Story for Another day]

Back to Banksy.

Banksy is My Hero. I learn a lot from watching Banksy’s moves. I wonder – and I would ask Banksy, if I ever get an opportunity to Connect with him IRL instead of just Conceptually – I would ask Him if He watched “Pump Up the Volume” as a Kid. That’s where I learned this ‘hiding in plain sight’ trick is a super effective tool to use loll. It’s how I learned I could have My cake, and eat it, too.

It’s where I learned, “Nature will find a way.”

I have a Voice… and Imma use it, come hell or high water.

“Hear Me Roar, Muthaf#ckers!”

It sounds like a Good thing, right? “Different than the crowd?” Flying above the riff-raff? The string – plucked on the harp that gives off the most intense vibrations & resonation – is what I am supposed to always aspire for? That’s what all the air-quotes ‘Experts’ say?

Well, not so fast, DR. I know I sound like a broken record by now, but… *Spoiler Alert!*… “It All Just f#cking Depends!?!”

And see what I did there just now? I inserted the word “F#ck” right smack dab in the middle of this unsuspecting, minding-its-own-business GvR. Why? To focus Your attention, DR, on what I’m about to say next.

[N: I start cussing when PASSION feels very strongly about the topic, either one way or the other way: Extremely happy? Extremely pi$$ed off? Yeah, You’ll be hearing some version of ‘f#ck’ come outta My mouth, sooner or later]

In this Hypothetical Situation, what does “It” depend on, exactly? Well, it could be a zillion random details – where the Devil is – but the first place I’ve learned to look? What’s the Context? Followed closely by, “what am I, personally, after here? What’s My goal? What’s the unmet need I’m trying to fill?”

Ahhh.. I’m starting to see that pesky Devil, loll. [N: TDiiTD]

This is one time – the Exception to the Rule, maybe? – that whether it’s Good or it’s Bad to get noticed in this particular situation weighs heavily on Me “seeing the clues” and acting accordingly. If I miss the clues & just move willy-nilly? I’m probably gonna get hurt. Or cause chaos. Or blow something up, emotionally speaking. [N: all these are Bad results, FYI]

Lemme give You some examples, DR, to make this Concept a bit more digestable.

When I am a Child – i.e. having zero say or control in what happens to Me, zero control over what I wear/eat/when I sleep/when I can play, etc. – then getting “noticed” gets Me punished, most of the time. So in this case? Getting noticed = Bad.

If I am a New Adult Person, now just jumped into the Dating World & I’m looking for “My First Boyfriend” – pretend I’m a chick in this case – then of course I wanna stand out above the rest of the Bachelor Contestants… I wanna score that Final Rose! Winning, either the Guy or the Prize = Good!

When I am a New Employee – and wanna make a Good Impression on My Boss(es) – then getting noticed gets Me recognition. Or permission to do Special Projects. Or more money.

And here’s where the Devil jumps out: The Good & The Bad? “Changes on a f#cking Dime.”

Or… it takes Forever. “It Just Depends.”

Trying to Connect with Other People – AKA “date” – is all fine & good… until You hook up with a murdering psycho. Or a Stalker at church – and now You hafta go to court to get a restraining order to keep Him away from You.

Doing “more than expected” or “thinking outside the box” at Work only “works” if You have a healthy environment to work in. [N: healthy = Not toxic] And I can accept a transfer to a new office, “for My Own reasons” [N: My goal, My unmet needs, etc. etc.] and when I get there find out that all My Bosses fear Me & are threatened by Me – and they pull out all the stops to make Me so miserable I have no choice but to quit.

But the example I wanna dig into here? Being a Child with zero control. That’s the one that pings My SB the strongest. That’s the one that plucking the harp string makes the most sound.

When I was a Child – being constantly chased by alligators inside My Own house – I knew I was “Different:” What made Me different? My Family made Me different: I didn’t have the Brady Bunch, where Moms & Dads “loved & cared for their Children.” I had the literal opposite of this ideal. And yet, I had zero say in being there. I felt trapped. I felt imprisoned. I wished all these Other People were dead. I wished I was dead! But this was before any Conceptual Child in the World’s SB thought up the idea to kill themselves to escape a toxic Family… and here We are, now. [N: it was also just before the Internet was invented, so not seeing 24/7 visuals of News and sh#t is probably the primary reason I’m still here/alive right now]

I took a coffee break just now, while writing this Story. I intended to go another direction, but the Universe has its way… so now I’m changing My direction a bit loll.

Imma let You in on a little secret, DR: It isn’t possible for PASSION to *not* think about killing Myself to escape a Bad situation. TECH might want that to be True, but that’s not how PASSION is designed to function. Me? I can count the exact times throughout the History of My Own Life so far when I seriously considered offing Myself. And while I made 1 attempted – and failed – those Experiences gave Me valuable data for My mental Files. [N: No, I’m not advocating You try killing Yourself, DR – I trust Your SB to be able to piece out My meaning with this discussion]

Playing Devil’s Advocate – AKA answering TECH’s obvious question – if PASSION won’t stop thinking about killing Myself, what happens next?

And this – THIS, here, exactly This – is the Lesson: If I can’t stop PASSION’s feelings about Something? Change the Something that’s causing PASSION’s feelings.

And Yes, I was a fresh-outta-the-box Newly Adult Person when I learned this one. I was on My proverbial “Own” at the time. Did I wanna change My Something? Hell No. Changing things takes work. Takes effort. Takes energy. “It’s a total drag!”

And this is where Conscious Me faced an inflection point: I can either keep moving forward, or I can stop playing this Game here. Now. “Weighing the options.” And I made the Executive Decision to keep moving forward. It was the hardest thing I ever decided, by far, now looking at it In Hindsight.

I decided – after that first failed attempt – that I would never, ever, EVER again give Any Other Person the power to make Me give up My Own Life. Never. No matter how hard things got. No matter how much I wanted to stick My head in the sand. No matter how much I felt like “giving up.”

PASSION is totally stubborn like that loll.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: In Hindsight, I now realize that My mission – as a Child stuck in a completely toxic Family – was to do one thing: Survive. Survive this Something – survive this situation – and at My first opportunity? Get the f#ck out. And that’s how My Story was written… I ran away from home on My 18^th birthday, in the dead of night, taxied by My Bestie at the time… whose family gave Me refuge for the next couple years. A Safe Space I was not afforded by My Own Family.

I could finally breathe, again. I could finally jump out of the nest & fly.

“Watch what I do next.”