Category: Welcome to My World

This is My final Story.

Not final meaning, ‘Imma stop writing.’ No! I mean ‘last Story Imma post here, in this virtual Space.’

At least, that’s what My gut is telling Me, right now. And I always follow what My gut tells Me to do loll.

This isn’t Forever, DR. It may not even be accurate – if You could see all the scribbled stickie notes on My desk right now, You’d insist “Dude. I don’t buy it! You’ll definitely be back.”

And maybe We are both Right. I always intended – My actual goal, here – is to write My Book(s). What I couldn’t see, yet, was how I was going to get to that End point from My Current one. This website is the purple line that connects those two dots for My SB.

So I think My next move is gonna be this: Imma still write My Stories as I have been, but now – as I go along – Imma start organizing & assembling them into some cohesive, useful order for all the external People in the Conceptual World. I couldn’t do it, before now. I needed some time to process… to figure out how to play Patty Cake with TECH instead of just arm-wrestling. I feel calmer, now. Everything is clearer.

My train is getting to the end of the tunnel… and I’m beginning to see the light now.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: This isn’t Good-bye Forever, DR. It never is. Not even with (physical) Death. That’s Why We have all those songs & stuff reminding us that “I’ll See You Again” someday. In some multiverse, or Universe.

It’s totally Accurate. 100% Guaranteed.

I Love You. Never forget that. And…

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay. I Promise.” xo

/CR

In the interest of maintaining My Own internal Equilibrium, PASSION has been pinging Me. [N: pulling on My shirttail for attention, looking up earnestly & trying to catch My eye] “Okay okay, Sweetheart. I ‘see’ You there.”

PASSION is My favorite Person of All Time. I Love PASSION… and I’ve spent My whole entire Life – literally – learning how to ‘see’ Her. And meet all Her unMet Needs. And not try to – *Pearl-Clutching gasp* – Not try to suppress Her. Smother Her. Suffocate Her.

Why? Because You gotta know something about PASSION: She may look very warm & cuddly on the outside – like a defenseless little Kitten – but She Will F@ck You. When You hurt PASSION? In any way, shape or form? PASSION will get Her pound of flesh. But – and this is a big butt – PASSION won’t stop at just one pound. PASSION will take Your entire physical body, Your Soul, the very breath in Your body, DR.

So, the Bottom Line: Keep paying attention to PASSION. And don’t f#ck with Her. [N: You’ll be sorry, IMO]

But PASSION is also where a lot of My Life’s “Amazing Things” reside. PASSION is the Keeper of My Memories – the good & the bad ones. PASSION is an excellent brain-stormer, always percolating on those outta-the-box Ideas. [N: the box = TECH loll] PASSION is a Mystic. A Jester. A Magician. A Mind-Reader. A Fortune Teller. [N: “Fortune favors the Bold”] And? PASSION is a Dreamer.

I once happened across a blog site way, way back in the day, written by a Gal Who had recently lost Her Beloved. It was fascinating, to walk with this Woman as She laid Her Heart completely naked to My touch – Her soul, completely bare – I mean, just recalling it now as I type these words to You, DR? Chills, all up and down My arm.

That blog changed My Life.

Pondering on it, I highly doubt – if I never happened to discover those Stories, if that Lady never shared them in the first place – that I would be here, now, in this virtual Space with You, DR. Telling My Own Stories. Nope, I think I’m 100% for sure I would not be.

And so, as I go with this flow – even waking up from a dead sleep at 3 o’clock this morning to scurry over to My computer to type the Story that PASSION needs to tell at that specific moment [N: otherwise, it’s impossible to sleep loll] – My SB pings with that Lady. That UNKN Soldier. I hope She made it through the tunnel, that Lady who lost Her Beloved. I hope She’s doing well, now, IRL. And since I don’t have any way to get Proof – I’m not Connected with Her IRL after all – I’m just going to imagine that She is now living Her Best Life.

That’s what PASSION wants to believe, anyways.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I vaguely remember the details of that blog – the Dream Domain, the Bunny, My Liz – oh! And this quote. The quote did stick with Me… I will never forget it:

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

**EDIT: I Found It!! Thanks Mr. Google!** https://thedreamdomain.blogspot.com/2010/?m=0

Imagine: You are sitting in the stadium, 5^th game of the World Series, ring-side seats. Soda in the cup-holder to My right, tasty snacks in hand, and My Beloved in the seat next to Me, to My left. [N: She’s looking particularly hot today; and man! – does that bra really make Her rack look great! I could just bury My face in those melons and…]

Ooops, My bad! Lost My train of thought there for a sec.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember now. Stadium. Sitting. blah blah blah

I’m sitting there, minding My Own business, and all-of-a-sudden, Outta Nowhere, the section to My right starts doing The Wave.

How? Why? Where?? WTF! – My SB has a million questions all at once. [N: kinda like that traffic scene towards the beginning of The Fifth Element, where Bruce saves Milla – can I get that outfit for My Woman on Amazon?? Hmmm]

Did they all have a meeting I wasn’t invited to attend? Did someone take an on-the-street survey? Was everybody in that section given a liability form to sign beforehand?

No. None of this. One single Person – Connected by sight, by blood, or by emotions, even – jumped up… and Influenced the other 1,200 or so, give or take, Human Beings sitting in the stadium. Myself included.

This. THIS is the Money Shot. This is an IRL visual representation of how fast Influencing Other People is. How easy it is. A literal Child could do it.

TECH? True to Pearl-Clutching form, TECH has a bunch of labels for Influence: peer pressure, monkey-see-monkey-do, birds of a feather, mind control, “sheep!” brain-washing, hypnosis, drank the kool-aid, etc. etc.

I ‘get’ it, TECH. From TECH’s perspective? All of these are air-quotes ‘Bad.’ Even the not really bad ones are bad! It’s just how TECH is wired. Everything external is dangerous… until I decide otherwise. [N: *Spoiler Alert!* PASSION helps TECH with “otherwise” FYI]

And say TECH is seated there, in this stadium, and You, DR are My Beloved sitting next to Me: Whatever I verbalize to You next, right now, in this exact moment? Will – in turn – Influence You.

Who You are – physically or emotionally and regardless of Our IRL interpersonal relationship – is irrelevant. I will Influence Your SB – it’s just the way the human brain is designed – but! Probably not in the way that You think, or can imagine.

And this – THIS right here – is what makes Influence so… so… tricky. Dangerous. Double-edged sword dangerous.

What gives Me the power to Influence You, DR? Our Connection. If I Trust You – based on actual real legitimate Proof or not – then You can Influence Me. You can harm Me. You can even kill Me.

And I will consent to it.

Now picture what a Vampire does. I love Vampires! They are usually portrayed in teenage angsty movies as “the totally hot Boy” Who is begging to be air-quotes ‘fixed’ by Me, the awkward, has-few-friends at school qwirky Girl. How can I resist?!

Vampires only have power if You invite them into Your home. Think about that for a minute. I have to Consent to this other-worldly beautiful fantasy creature for Him to enter My Safe Space. And there’s the clue, right in this one sentence: fantasy.

The Vampire has this power over Me because I am Connected with Him. I Love Him, or the very idea of Him. [N: details be damned] I want Him to Love Me back. And if I can’t get Him to Love Me? If I have to expose My neck, complete with veins throbbing with the blood running through them – AKA Vampire cocaine – then I will do it. Happily. Willingly. Even if I die at the End.

TECH is self-soothing right now, thinking, “Well, thank goodness Vampires aren’t Real then!” And that, DR, is TECH missing the plot. Per usual.

Now take away the Vampire imagery, and leave the naked behavior – Mine, and also Yours, DR.

I am vulnerable to You because I Love You. I will give everything I have to You – My treasure, My Support, every tool in My toolbox – because I Love You. When You lash out at Me, You scream at Me, You beat Me in the head with a hammer, You knock My teeth out, or You molest Me, f#ck Me in the @$$, or demand the last chocolate chip cookie on My plate? Take it. It’s Yours. Everything I have… Everything I do… I do it. For You.

And if in My IRL-Life I am – among other things – completely Love-starved? It’s gonna be way easier for Me to invite You in. If I am a Child who is being neglected, who is food insecure, who is just looking for One single Friend in a landscape full of Foes – “where’s Waldo?” – then I will do anything humanly possible to fill that Need by Myself.

And Who’s fault is this? It’s Nobody’s fault. And… it’s Everybody’s fault.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: My eyes just caught an article by Mr. (? I dunno loll) Svante Myric, posted 05/05/25 at 10:30AM ET entitled “Trump is destroying his own presidency – let’s finish the job” that has some excellent points about how Influence works, in the Context of our political sphere. I scanned the highlights, and that was enough for Me to write this Story for You, now, here. You’d be correct in saying that Mr. Myrick ‘Influenced’ Me. [N:  loll]

I can be overwhelming at times. It all just depends. [N: from TECH’s POV. And from PASSION’s? More like ‘invigorating’ -or- ‘mesmerizing’ -or- ‘fascinating’ loll]

A Meet Cute is intended AKA designed for one purpose only:

“Are You My Friend? Or are You My Foe?”

The space in between these two points on the spectrum is where the Devil is. The Neutral Zone. The shades of gray. The balancing of the scales of that blind Justice chick. “Will She? Or won’t She?” -and/or – “Do I? Or Don’t I?”

Or, I can sum this period up in two words: “What’s Next?” [N: shout-out to Andrew for giving Me this phrase so eloquently yesterday]

So – to avoid confusion & needless social anxiety – I make every effort to “stay in My Own lane:” I lay out all My cards during the Meet Cute. I show My hand. Why? Because I figure if I am as authentic & “true to Myself” as I can be, right from the get-go, then You [N: Other Person and My mark] can decide if You wanna come out to play with Me… or Not.

I’m actively giving TECH enough data with which to make this evaluation. To make this decision. In Your SB, DR.

I’m asking for – seeking – Your Consent.

But I’m never gonna come out & verbally ask, “Will You Be My Friend? Pretty Please??” Pssht. This ain’t 1^st grade!?! [N: that ship has sailed] Imma just take My best shot and… and… let the chips fall where they may. Because *Spoiler Alert!* this choice is Yours. It always is.

And to give You the necessary processing time Your Own SB needs to decide? I’m probably gonna vanish – a la “a ghost” – in a Conceptual puff of smoke. No, not because I’m trying to “hurt You.” In fact? The opposite is true. [N: like any Good Doctor will tell You, “Do No Harm”]

I disappear – momentarily? forever? Who knows? – because You need space/time to breathe. To think. To feel. And – ultimately – for TECH to evaluate and then make a recommendation of what specific external behavior to execute. [N: this data goes to Conscious Me, who makes any Executive Decision FYI]

Here’s the hard-to-swallow Truth: “I can’t make You Love Me – if You don’t.” [N: thanks, Bonnie R!]

This is the question I always ask Myself, when I Myself am on the other side of this equation: “Do I Stay? Or… Do I Go?”

Newly knocked up Little Girls screw this pooch all the time, announcing, “I’m Pregnant!” with lots of fanfare, then expecting the Other Person [N: the sperm donor] to be instantly happy & Supportive about this news. “Dude: slow Your roll!” This is a Rookie mistake… and Why all Children everywhere should be taught how to “delay gratification” at least once or twice during their formative years. [N: if You survey any of My F#ck Buddies You would get Proof, DR, that I got this lesson in spades loll]

Seriously. It makes total sense to Me Why Folks lie all the time! [N: let the Pearl-Clutching commence] Don’t worry, DR… I have an entire chapter on “Lying” in forthcoming episodes. It’s a nail-biter.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Here are some cheat codes for Me personally: 1) If I already Love You? I will break bread with You. 2) I won’t tell You “how” to do anything – what I want, what I need – those are details for Me to know & You to find out. Just take Your best shot & see what happens. and 3) Know going in that My personal goal is to “remain as undefined by TECH as possible”… which means You will never be 100% comfortable in My presence: I will keep You guessing. You decide if You can Live with this, and judge Me on the Proof [N: my behavior] instead of just Your triggers. [N: Your Conceptual data & internal feelings]

“The Choice is Yours.”

First off, lemme say this: “I am F#cking Awesome! I – literally – Know All! I possess all the Answers to all the Problems in the Entire Universe!! Yayy, Me!”

Okay PASSION. You had Your fun. Calm the F#ck down now. [N: *giggles maniacally while running off*]

But in all seriousness: I’ve learned a few tricks along the way. Not just learned, though: I’ve tracked them, organized them into My mental Files, and recalled them – when an external opportunity arises – to put the Concept “into Good use.”

If I was to imagine Myself as some ‘thing’? I’m a Lighthouse – just standing over here by Myself, on My little deserted island, minding My Own business… and shining My light out onto lost ships. Or ships “just passing through.” Or ships that “have sailed” – those are the bestest IMO, because those ships offer Me the most… challenge. Interest. Excitement.

But here’s the Story I am telling right now. [N: I guess You could call all that “the necessary Context” for what comes next]

[N: and I could just be hangry right now, because technically I haven’t eaten My breakfast yet… so I wanna get this Story posted so I can go back to “scavenging for food” in My Kitchen]

Sometimes? I do take credit. I am the first to say How Awesome I Am… but, the trick is I don’t take credit “100% of the time.” [N: this speaks to Equilibrium again, but that’s Another Story for Another day] It depends on what My goal is. Is My goal “money”? Adoration by the madding crowds?? Or is it.. PASSION just likes the dopamine jolts?

You guess, DR, which one drives AKA motivates My behavior in Current Day.

And consider this: Me taking credit for something – while useful in certain scenarios – is gonna be happening below the water line of the iceberg.

You won’t be able to see it, DR. There won’t be any external air-quotes ‘Proof.’ You will only be forced – at Your Own discretion, certainly – to observe what I do. To hear what I say. And then – using this acquired data – to do a TECH evaluation in Your Own SB.

Let’s call Her… Amanda.

I’ve known Amanda for more than a handful of years now, having first crossed paths with Her in “business networking” – Amanda is a Nurse, and I was selling life insurance at the time.

Amanda has two Adult Kids – one Boy & one Girl – and 3 Grands. Daughter Cindy has twin Boys, and Tim has Amanda’s Granddaughter, Kitty.

Tim’s Baby Mama *hates* Amanda, and as a result of this hatred? Baby Mama disallows Amanda from ever seeing or spending time with Kitty IRL.

Amanda is distraught.

As Amanda’s Support Person, I’ve been around & around this elephant with Her, trying to piece out the reasons, the Why’s, the how-did-this-happens. And IMO? All those details are irrelevant, because… because the outcome is the same: Kitty doesn’t know Amanda exists, or even that She has another Grandmother… a Grandmother who is still alive in Current Day. [N: knock on wood]

Most recently, Tim flew in from out-of-state – Tim works back east so travels a bunch – to attend Kitty’s 1^st Holy Communion. [N: which makes Her… lemme see: age 7? or thereabouts]

The last time Amanda was able to even hold Kitty was shortly after Her birth. Amanda didn’t manifest as “The Devil” AKA “Total B#tch” to Tim’s Baby Mama yet, so even though that time period “felt a little awkward” from Amanda’s perspective? She felt very, very happy with the knowledge that Kitty was born healthy, happy, etc. etc. I mean, think about it. First daughter of Amanda’s only Son! “How exciting!?!” [N: PASSION agrees]

And it all seemed Good through Kitty’s first year of Life… until, it wasn’t. Far from it.

Amanda knew exactly when ‘the End’  manifested: She took a big box over to Kitty’s maternal Grandparents’ house at Xmas-time – a huge stuffed penguin from Tim’s Dad [N: AKA Amanda’s ex, Lolo] – and left it on the porch, a la “Secret Santa.”

Returning home hours later – Amanda ran some errands; it was a Saturday if I recall the details accurately – and Amanda, pulling into Her driveway, noticed the box was now sitting on Her porch… having been discarded [N: My guess and Amanda’s, here] and returned by Kitty’s Mom.

Amanda’s heart sank. And She was truly – excruciatingly painfully – devastated. [N: PASSION agrees]

But this Story isn’t about Amanda, technically. It’s about Me, as Amanda’s Support Person, attempting to coach Her in Planting Seeds for Tim. Tim, Who – despite Amanda’s full acknowledgment that every decision involving Kitty is 50% Tim’s responsibility AKA with Tim’s consent as the sperm donor – Amanda made a conscious decision [N: an Executive Decision] to prioritize Her Own relationship with Her Son, versus the other option: destroying it in a Blaze of Glory. It took longer than a minute, but Amanda finally realized that these are all Tim’s Own Life choices to make: Tim is the Only Boss of Tim… Amanda’s love for Her Son notwithstanding. [N: f#cking Free Will BS]

But back to My Story. [N: here’s Me, stepping into a Support Person role:]

“Gurrlll, first of all: This totally sucks! I’m soo, soo sorry this is happening?! You did nothing to deserve this.” [N: it isn’t about Amanda per se. It’s Baby Mama’s UNKN issues, in Her Own SB that are causing this result IMO]

“If this were Me? I would Plant a Seed for My Son. Who knows? Maybe someday in the Future? Things will change. Anything’s Possible, amiright?”

“After Tim comes back to Your house after tomorrow’s 1^st Holy Communion, say something like this:

‘You know, Son? I have this Friend… Jackie. Jackie has a similar situation with Not being allowed to make Memories with Her only Grandkid. So the 1^st Holy Communion is at a public place – a church, where All are Welcome.’ [N: that’s what the brochure says, anyways]

Jackie’s Son could totally scribble the address/time/date & leave a note for Jackie on the kitchen counter – and none would be the wiser. Jackie could go – in disguise – and see Her Grandkid’s FHC without triggering Anybody Else who might also be in attendance. Win-Win!’”

And that’s all I hafta do. Plant a Seed, and back off. Plant another Seed later on – as needed – and back off. And keep planting seeds. If I keep planting these seeds, the chickens will keep pecking in the sh#t for them… and sooner or later?

The Pony will be free.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: It’s not a piece of cake, to be a Support Person to a Human Being Who is well aware that the clock is ticking… and Her Own days are numbered. But, all She can do – all Anybody can do, really – is just keep moving through the tunnel, believing I will come out the other side of it. Could I die before this happens? Of course. Anything is Possible, right? But… Imma Hope for the Best.

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay. I Promise.”

I enjoy reading articles on the Internet. You might wanna label this behavior “doom-scrolling” DR, but You’d be inaccurate: It’s not “Doom” I’m searching for.

I’m searching for My next Connection. My next… Soulmate.

And *Spoiler Alert!* it just happened!! Again! Just now in fact!?!? [N: PASSION *screaming with pleasure*]

I found this particular Tasty Snack via Huffpost – which, I know I know – takes a lot of shall-We-say Not-So-Friendly Fire, depending on who’s posting the Comment. [N: that’s Why I caution You on reading Comments underneath any Internet article, for the most part. Talk about “doom-scrolling!” lmao]

Back to My Story.

This article, by *checks notes* Mr. DJ Bracken, reveals a very, very unique – and interesting – perspective involving the Concept of Poor Kids getting what Pearl-Clutching Adults [N: I ‘see’ You, TECH!! grrr] refer to as “an alternative lunch” – which is what that Kid gets branded with – when They find Themselves with not enough cash in the School Lunch line. [N: probably the same Folks who coined the term “alternative facts”]

Think about it, DR. It’s like the f#cking Priest – Somebody I Trusted – knocked Me up and now I find Myself with a big fat *A* on My chest for the entire World to See. [N: this “A” which stands for A$$hole is on the wrong goddamn chest]

Here’s Why I am writing about DJ, the Story-teller in My Story, now.

There’s a saying that applies, here: “When the Student is Ready, the Teacher will Appear.” Does this Other Person, fellow Human Being, a literal Stranger to Me air-quotes “owe” Me anything? Nope. Is it statistically likely I will Connect with Liara’s Dad IRL? While sure, “Anything is Possible” – TECH believes No, it’s not very likely.

But TBH? I got what I “needed.” Or more specifically, I got what the Universe felt I needed, and what I needed was to see/witness validation that I Am Not Alone out here. There are Other People, other “Like-Minded Individuals” that are walking beside Me. Or – in My periodic moments of despair, frustration, aggravation, etc. etc.  – are carrying Me.

I really, really needed this Connection just now. Thank You, DJ/DR/whatev Your Name is. It’s enough for Me to keep the train moving.

I gotta keep moving forward.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Here’s the title of DJ’s article, DR, in case You wish to Google at Your Own leisure: “I Randomly Decided To Pay Off A School’s Lunch Debt. Then Something Incredible Happened.” Posted May 3, 2025.

Ahhh, there it is! The word “should” – a total TECH tell.

. . .

This Story is about a Buddy of Mines. Let’s call Him… Matthew. I’ve known Matt for going on 3 decades now. Matt is a Doctor by trade. [N: No, DR, not “My” doctor loll]

Matt has regaled Me over the years with, “crazy Patient behaviors” which, “I Love a Good Story” so I am here for it, and 2) it’s how I can be a Support Person to Matt, who juggles a lot of balls in the air – You know, that Life-and-Death stuff. Not an easy gig, if You ask Me.

Listening to these Stories, I always notice a common thread: Matt prioritizes the Human Being in front of Him. Always. It *tells Me* that He is an Excellent Doctor as well as a “Good Human Being”… even though He’s not My doc, specifically, I can piece together the clues for TECH to do an air-quotes ‘unbiased’ evaluation.

Imagining being Matt’s Patient for a minute – and He having to give Me data of “My Own imminent DOD” – PASSION adds the details of how this particular episode would go.

Matt: “Ok! The results of the tests came back blah blah blah [N: PASSION doesn’t care about all this crap in between] and,” *pause*

What You don’t see here, DR? Matt is making eye-to-eye contact with Me right now. He is hooking into PASSION, specifically. Why? Because as soon as TECH acquires this new data – this new, potentially traumatic data – Matt is ready to catch the egg before it falls outta the nest.

Imagining Myself as this Patient? I can totally Trust Dr. Matt. [N: In comparison, My current PCP is closer to the “Sh#tty Person” side of the spectrum, so Imma keep looking for My Doctor Person… but that’s Another Story for Another day] I know – using My Own IRL Experience – that having a Doctor I trust is like having a Therapist I trust, or a Teacher I trust, or – literally – any Other Person that I Trust. While sure, once the Meet Cute happens I start from the Trust position, the Other Person’s behavior will inform My SB if I remain in this position. *Spoiler Alert!* You’re only gonna get one shot, DR.

But back to My Story.

Where was I? Oh yeah, right before the other shoe drops.

Matt: “I’m sooo, so sorry to tell You, Conner: Blah blah blah – and, it’s terminal.”

PASSION checked out just now, for a few seconds. [N: seconds IRL = an eternity for PASSION. kinda like visiting Narnia]

TECH takes over from here: “How long do I got, Doc?”

And TECH busily scribbles that mental data down on the notepad, for filing away later. Also, to recall when I get to the “Tell My Loved Ones” part of the Story.

This part of My Story, DR? This part hasn’t been written, yet.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I read an article in the not so distant past, about some Girl – Imma guess, “Youngish Adult” – that Her Doctor not only told her She was “gonna die” but also that “there is no hope.” Wow, what a Sh#tty Person!?! And so the article that was being written was how this Girl was opting for Euthanasia. [N: euthanasia = lost My will to Live. A Pearl-Clutcher’s way to describe offing Myself]

The details of this Girl’s Story included “a boyfriend” and “two cats.” It was the mention of the cats that triggered PASSION, and I ended up emailing the Author of that article, asking Him to forward a message to this Girl. I forget exactly what I said, but I know it had to do with Planting Seeds: This Doc is a f#cking moron & don’t listen to him, You have Connections IRL – the boyfriend & that cats – and how Her situation resonated for Me personally: having a chronic disease that can kill Me at any time, plus She is the only Boss of Herself. Or… something to that effect.

I hope PASSION hears Me. I don’t have Proof – and never searched for any, anyways. So not having Proof of the outcome? Imma just believe in the best case scenario. I ‘see’ You, Little Girl across the Universe. I see You. And I Love You. Keep going… You are still in the tunnel. Come out on this side, and stand next to Me. I’m waiting for You. xo