Stream of CONSCIOUSNESS

This is My final Story.

Not final meaning, ‘Imma stop writing.’ No! I mean ‘last Story Imma post here, in this virtual Space.’

At least, that’s what My gut is telling Me, right now. And I always follow what My gut tells Me to do loll.

This isn’t Forever, DR. It may not even be accurate – if You could see all the scribbled stickie notes on My desk right now, You’d insist “Dude. I don’t buy it! You’ll definitely be back.”

And maybe We are both Right. I always intended – My actual goal, here – is to write My Book(s). What I couldn’t see, yet, was how I was going to get to that End point from My Current one. This website is the purple line that connects those two dots for My SB.

So I think My next move is gonna be this: Imma still write My Stories as I have been, but now – as I go along – Imma start organizing & assembling them into some cohesive, useful order for all the external People in the Conceptual World. I couldn’t do it, before now. I needed some time to process… to figure out how to play Patty Cake with TECH instead of just arm-wrestling. I feel calmer, now. Everything is clearer.

My train is getting to the end of the tunnel… and I’m beginning to see the light now.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: This isn’t Good-bye Forever, DR. It never is. Not even with (physical) Death. That’s Why We have all those songs & stuff reminding us that “I’ll See You Again” someday. In some multiverse, or Universe.

It’s totally Accurate. 100% Guaranteed.

I Love You. Never forget that. And…

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay. I Promise.” xo

/CR

In the interest of maintaining My Own internal Equilibrium, PASSION has been pinging Me. [N: pulling on My shirttail for attention, looking up earnestly & trying to catch My eye] “Okay okay, Sweetheart. I ‘see’ You there.”

PASSION is My favorite Person of All Time. I Love PASSION… and I’ve spent My whole entire Life – literally – learning how to ‘see’ Her. And meet all Her unMet Needs. And not try to – *Pearl-Clutching gasp* – Not try to suppress Her. Smother Her. Suffocate Her.

Why? Because You gotta know something about PASSION: She may look very warm & cuddly on the outside – like a defenseless little Kitten – but She Will F@ck You. When You hurt PASSION? In any way, shape or form? PASSION will get Her pound of flesh. But – and this is a big butt – PASSION won’t stop at just one pound. PASSION will take Your entire physical body, Your Soul, the very breath in Your body, DR.

So, the Bottom Line: Keep paying attention to PASSION. And don’t f#ck with Her. [N: You’ll be sorry, IMO]

But PASSION is also where a lot of My Life’s “Amazing Things” reside. PASSION is the Keeper of My Memories – the good & the bad ones. PASSION is an excellent brain-stormer, always percolating on those outta-the-box Ideas. [N: the box = TECH loll] PASSION is a Mystic. A Jester. A Magician. A Mind-Reader. A Fortune Teller. [N: “Fortune favors the Bold”] And? PASSION is a Dreamer.

I once happened across a blog site way, way back in the day, written by a Gal Who had recently lost Her Beloved. It was fascinating, to walk with this Woman as She laid Her Heart completely naked to My touch – Her soul, completely bare – I mean, just recalling it now as I type these words to You, DR? Chills, all up and down My arm.

That blog changed My Life.

Pondering on it, I highly doubt – if I never happened to discover those Stories, if that Lady never shared them in the first place – that I would be here, now, in this virtual Space with You, DR. Telling My Own Stories. Nope, I think I’m 100% for sure I would not be.

And so, as I go with this flow – even waking up from a dead sleep at 3 o’clock this morning to scurry over to My computer to type the Story that PASSION needs to tell at that specific moment [N: otherwise, it’s impossible to sleep loll] – My SB pings with that Lady. That UNKN Soldier. I hope She made it through the tunnel, that Lady who lost Her Beloved. I hope She’s doing well, now, IRL. And since I don’t have any way to get Proof – I’m not Connected with Her IRL after all – I’m just going to imagine that She is now living Her Best Life.

That’s what PASSION wants to believe, anyways.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I vaguely remember the details of that blog – the Dream Domain, the Bunny, My Liz – oh! And this quote. The quote did stick with Me… I will never forget it:

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

**EDIT: I Found It!! Thanks Mr. Google!** https://thedreamdomain.blogspot.com/2010/?m=0

In full disclosure? Being the Giver seems… gross to Me, personally. On the Receiving side of things? “Yes please! Sign Me up!” [N: pun totally intended]

I have a saying – which always triggered My most recent Wife so I refrain from saying it out loud anymore – that She has “d#ck-sucking lips.” And the She in that sentence doesn’t just point to Her specifically – literally every Woman I pass on the street gets the TECH evaluation. It’s the shape – sorta heart-shaped, just the barest hint of pucker, right in the middle…

Yeah. If I was the chick? The last thing I would ever wanna do is stick the Guy’s – any Guy’s, for that matter – c@ck in My mouth. No way, Jose! And when They shoot? Spitter, for sure.

I’m lucky to be a Guy TBH. I absolutely acknowledge it. “Privilege” is a total thing! [N: again, pun intended] And Anyone who tries to say otherwise is lying. [N: Yes, this is an actual Opinion, right here]

But this Story isn’t about any of that… it’s not about physical f#cking at all, TBH. It’s about the Head [N: TECH] and the Heart. [N: PASSION]

I attended a virtual Town Hall recently, where I heard the Guy Running the Show [N: the Executive] say something about wanting His Team – the air-quotes ‘Leadership Team’ – to ‘be equal parts head & heart.’

Yeah, I call BS.

I’m sure Adam meant it – I Connected with Him enough to know this statement, as He intended it to be received, was actually very authentic for Him personally – but here’s the rub. The details. The Devil.

“Just because I want something to be a certain way does not guarantee I will get it.”

Making Staff at My organization – imagining Myself as CEO – feel “Safe” and that they belong here and have a future here all depends on How good I am at Influencing this belief in Their SB, collectively. If I don’t walk My talk? If I Myself – judged by My Own behavior and words and deeds – have lost the plot? Who would possibly believe I was being Truthful?

My Answer: I wouldn’t believe You. Not only would I Not believe You? Imma probably stop listening to anything You say. I’ll probably just continue to do “the bare minimum” for as long as it suits Me to, until I hop like a little Bunny Rabbit off to My next bill-paying gig.

That whole “I have an Open Door policy” business? Imma test those fences. I’m gonna see if Your money is where Your mouth is. Is it kissing My cheek like a lover? Or is it wrapped around My d@ck like a hooker? [N: No offense to Vivian & all the other Pretty Women out there]

It only takes one IRL Experience – ONE – to spoil the bunch. One bad apple to ruin the rest of the applies. And No, I am not obligated to give You any credit for past results – even the stock market offers no guarantees that this bull market will continue. It’s a risk You & Everyone Else must take. And You can label Me “mean” and say “I’m being unfair” all You want, DR-slash-TECH. That saying “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder” applies here. “Call Me Beholder, M#therf#cker!”

And at the same time? Every Other Person – Pearl-Clutchers, the lot of them – will blame Me for this. I’m “too sensitive” or I “can’t take a joke” or “You shouldn’t say things like that or feel this way or-or-or…”

Yeah, I already stopped listening. It started sounding like blah blah blah to Me; the Teacher in those Peanuts cartoons from back in the day. That’s what PASSION starts hearing, inside My head, when Somebody – Anybody, any Other Person – is trying to gas-light Me. [N: gas-light = tell Me how to feel about My Own IRL Experience]

So to You I say this: STFU. Or – more accurately for IRL Me – I vanish in a puff of smoke. Maybe not physically, because I can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I mean, I still gotta eat! But PASSION has now left the building. And You are stuck with TECH, cold unfeeling bastard.

You wanted Head, DR? You’re getting it.

You just aren’t gonna like it, much.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Some Folks – Rookies, IMO – because Their Own triggers spiral them outta control will go shoot something. [N: Wow, Moron. You Are Stupid!] Me? I started out being an Excellent Employee, and even through I’m making My moves to bail [N: underneath the water line, true] I remain an Excellent Employee. But… it feels different, to the Others. The friendly banter, the Good Mornings, the how was Your weekend, the interest in Your Life outside of this sandbox? Gone. The drawbridge is now firmly shut. Which explains Why I am job-hunting: PASSION doesn’t wanna be here anymore. And I back PASSION up in this instance.

Imagine: You are sitting in the stadium, 5^th game of the World Series, ring-side seats. Soda in the cup-holder to My right, tasty snacks in hand, and My Beloved in the seat next to Me, to My left. [N: She’s looking particularly hot today; and man! – does that bra really make Her rack look great! I could just bury My face in those melons and…]

Ooops, My bad! Lost My train of thought there for a sec.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember now. Stadium. Sitting. blah blah blah

I’m sitting there, minding My Own business, and all-of-a-sudden, Outta Nowhere, the section to My right starts doing The Wave.

How? Why? Where?? WTF! – My SB has a million questions all at once. [N: kinda like that traffic scene towards the beginning of The Fifth Element, where Bruce saves Milla – can I get that outfit for My Woman on Amazon?? Hmmm]

Did they all have a meeting I wasn’t invited to attend? Did someone take an on-the-street survey? Was everybody in that section given a liability form to sign beforehand?

No. None of this. One single Person – Connected by sight, by blood, or by emotions, even – jumped up… and Influenced the other 1,200 or so, give or take, Human Beings sitting in the stadium. Myself included.

This. THIS is the Money Shot. This is an IRL visual representation of how fast Influencing Other People is. How easy it is. A literal Child could do it.

TECH? True to Pearl-Clutching form, TECH has a bunch of labels for Influence: peer pressure, monkey-see-monkey-do, birds of a feather, mind control, “sheep!” brain-washing, hypnosis, drank the kool-aid, etc. etc.

I ‘get’ it, TECH. From TECH’s perspective? All of these are air-quotes ‘Bad.’ Even the not really bad ones are bad! It’s just how TECH is wired. Everything external is dangerous… until I decide otherwise. [N: *Spoiler Alert!* PASSION helps TECH with “otherwise” FYI]

And say TECH is seated there, in this stadium, and You, DR are My Beloved sitting next to Me: Whatever I verbalize to You next, right now, in this exact moment? Will – in turn – Influence You.

Who You are – physically or emotionally and regardless of Our IRL interpersonal relationship – is irrelevant. I will Influence Your SB – it’s just the way the human brain is designed – but! Probably not in the way that You think, or can imagine.

And this – THIS right here – is what makes Influence so… so… tricky. Dangerous. Double-edged sword dangerous.

What gives Me the power to Influence You, DR? Our Connection. If I Trust You – based on actual real legitimate Proof or not – then You can Influence Me. You can harm Me. You can even kill Me.

And I will consent to it.

Now picture what a Vampire does. I love Vampires! They are usually portrayed in teenage angsty movies as “the totally hot Boy” Who is begging to be air-quotes ‘fixed’ by Me, the awkward, has-few-friends at school qwirky Girl. How can I resist?!

Vampires only have power if You invite them into Your home. Think about that for a minute. I have to Consent to this other-worldly beautiful fantasy creature for Him to enter My Safe Space. And there’s the clue, right in this one sentence: fantasy.

The Vampire has this power over Me because I am Connected with Him. I Love Him, or the very idea of Him. [N: details be damned] I want Him to Love Me back. And if I can’t get Him to Love Me? If I have to expose My neck, complete with veins throbbing with the blood running through them – AKA Vampire cocaine – then I will do it. Happily. Willingly. Even if I die at the End.

TECH is self-soothing right now, thinking, “Well, thank goodness Vampires aren’t Real then!” And that, DR, is TECH missing the plot. Per usual.

Now take away the Vampire imagery, and leave the naked behavior – Mine, and also Yours, DR.

I am vulnerable to You because I Love You. I will give everything I have to You – My treasure, My Support, every tool in My toolbox – because I Love You. When You lash out at Me, You scream at Me, You beat Me in the head with a hammer, You knock My teeth out, or You molest Me, f#ck Me in the @$$, or demand the last chocolate chip cookie on My plate? Take it. It’s Yours. Everything I have… Everything I do… I do it. For You.

And if in My IRL-Life I am – among other things – completely Love-starved? It’s gonna be way easier for Me to invite You in. If I am a Child who is being neglected, who is food insecure, who is just looking for One single Friend in a landscape full of Foes – “where’s Waldo?” – then I will do anything humanly possible to fill that Need by Myself.

And Who’s fault is this? It’s Nobody’s fault. And… it’s Everybody’s fault.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: My eyes just caught an article by Mr. (? I dunno loll) Svante Myric, posted 05/05/25 at 10:30AM ET entitled “Trump is destroying his own presidency – let’s finish the job” that has some excellent points about how Influence works, in the Context of our political sphere. I scanned the highlights, and that was enough for Me to write this Story for You, now, here. You’d be correct in saying that Mr. Myrick ‘Influenced’ Me. [N:  loll]

I can be overwhelming at times. It all just depends. [N: from TECH’s POV. And from PASSION’s? More like ‘invigorating’ -or- ‘mesmerizing’ -or- ‘fascinating’ loll]

A Meet Cute is intended AKA designed for one purpose only:

“Are You My Friend? Or are You My Foe?”

The space in between these two points on the spectrum is where the Devil is. The Neutral Zone. The shades of gray. The balancing of the scales of that blind Justice chick. “Will She? Or won’t She?” -and/or – “Do I? Or Don’t I?”

Or, I can sum this period up in two words: “What’s Next?” [N: shout-out to Andrew for giving Me this phrase so eloquently yesterday]

So – to avoid confusion & needless social anxiety – I make every effort to “stay in My Own lane:” I lay out all My cards during the Meet Cute. I show My hand. Why? Because I figure if I am as authentic & “true to Myself” as I can be, right from the get-go, then You [N: Other Person and My mark] can decide if You wanna come out to play with Me… or Not.

I’m actively giving TECH enough data with which to make this evaluation. To make this decision. In Your SB, DR.

I’m asking for – seeking – Your Consent.

But I’m never gonna come out & verbally ask, “Will You Be My Friend? Pretty Please??” Pssht. This ain’t 1^st grade!?! [N: that ship has sailed] Imma just take My best shot and… and… let the chips fall where they may. Because *Spoiler Alert!* this choice is Yours. It always is.

And to give You the necessary processing time Your Own SB needs to decide? I’m probably gonna vanish – a la “a ghost” – in a Conceptual puff of smoke. No, not because I’m trying to “hurt You.” In fact? The opposite is true. [N: like any Good Doctor will tell You, “Do No Harm”]

I disappear – momentarily? forever? Who knows? – because You need space/time to breathe. To think. To feel. And – ultimately – for TECH to evaluate and then make a recommendation of what specific external behavior to execute. [N: this data goes to Conscious Me, who makes any Executive Decision FYI]

Here’s the hard-to-swallow Truth: “I can’t make You Love Me – if You don’t.” [N: thanks, Bonnie R!]

This is the question I always ask Myself, when I Myself am on the other side of this equation: “Do I Stay? Or… Do I Go?”

Newly knocked up Little Girls screw this pooch all the time, announcing, “I’m Pregnant!” with lots of fanfare, then expecting the Other Person [N: the sperm donor] to be instantly happy & Supportive about this news. “Dude: slow Your roll!” This is a Rookie mistake… and Why all Children everywhere should be taught how to “delay gratification” at least once or twice during their formative years. [N: if You survey any of My F#ck Buddies You would get Proof, DR, that I got this lesson in spades loll]

Seriously. It makes total sense to Me Why Folks lie all the time! [N: let the Pearl-Clutching commence] Don’t worry, DR… I have an entire chapter on “Lying” in forthcoming episodes. It’s a nail-biter.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Here are some cheat codes for Me personally: 1) If I already Love You? I will break bread with You. 2) I won’t tell You “how” to do anything – what I want, what I need – those are details for Me to know & You to find out. Just take Your best shot & see what happens. and 3) Know going in that My personal goal is to “remain as undefined by TECH as possible”… which means You will never be 100% comfortable in My presence: I will keep You guessing. You decide if You can Live with this, and judge Me on the Proof [N: my behavior] instead of just Your triggers. [N: Your Conceptual data & internal feelings]

“The Choice is Yours.”

My Adult Son is crashing with Me right now. This most recent Father’s Day, He picked up this book for Me while thrift-store browsing. [N: a pursuit I take credit for inspiring within Him during His formative years]

He’s being a Good Father to his daughter – trying to run the gauntlet of “Life’s Responsibilities” and never-ending To-Dos – but He still tries to Prioritize moments to “be present with Her” and “be there, IRL, for Her.”

He doesn’t get it air-quotes ‘Right’ 100% of the time.

But You know what I realized after awhile? My Own TECH evaluation of whether or not My Son is doing Fatherhood right isn’t for Me to say. And when I do say it? It’s My Opinion. And You know what they say about opinions, DR.

The only one who gets a vote on whether Me or anybody else is a “Good” Father? The Kid they are raising. The Kid they are providing for. The Kid they are making every effort to Connect with. To Support. To… share in their successes, and to embrace them in their pain, all the while saying those Magic Words:

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay. I Promise.”

. . .

Which, all this isn’t the Story I wanna tell right now. All this is the necessary Context for this Story. [N: loll]

Originally – upon being gifted this book however many months ago – I expressed My glee/joy/happiness for My Kid to witness it, and allow His SB the opportunity to acquire the data for His Own Files – AKA the Proof – that informs TECH that, “Dad is pleased. I made Dad feel happy. I did a Good Thing.”

Because that saying, “Seeing is Believing”? Accurate.

Fast-forward to the Current Day part of this Story. So as He was going about His Father-Daughter activities for the weekend, I brought the Tao of Pooh back to Him, and gave Him a bid. [N: recall that bids are optional, DR]

“I want You to write Me a message, here, so whatever happens – You level up before I do, for example – I will be rereading this message over & over & over again in that multiverse. For infinity.”

[N: there’s too many Seeds to pick out and detail right now, DR, so do the best You can, trying to piece it out on Your Own… sooner or later, maybe I’ll give You more]

And while initially He balked at the thought of this assignment – Kids always push back, when You give Them Something New – He did make Me a promise, that “before I leave for Home I’ll do it, Dad.”

And this Guy? This formerly-My-Own-Seed but now a fully-fledged Adult Human Being, that – IMHO – is Killing it with this Adulting BS?

He did Not disappoint.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: The first few pages of any book? This is for PASSION’s autograph. PASSION’s ideas. PASSION’s feelings… all poured out – distilled into – a brief, meaningful collection of very specific words in a very particular order.

Kinda like Life, eh DR? And don’t let Anybody tell You, DR, that signing a book on the inside page “decreases the value.” They are Wrong. The signature – the mark of one individual, never before seen Human Being that I am intimately Connected to? How much is that worth to Me, do You think?

Maybe in Hindsight?