Stream of CONSCIOUSNESS

First off, lemme say this: “I am F#cking Awesome! I – literally – Know All! I possess all the Answers to all the Problems in the Entire Universe!! Yayy, Me!”

Okay PASSION. You had Your fun. Calm the F#ck down now. [N: *giggles maniacally while running off*]

But in all seriousness: I’ve learned a few tricks along the way. Not just learned, though: I’ve tracked them, organized them into My mental Files, and recalled them – when an external opportunity arises – to put the Concept “into Good use.”

If I was to imagine Myself as some ‘thing’? I’m a Lighthouse – just standing over here by Myself, on My little deserted island, minding My Own business… and shining My light out onto lost ships. Or ships “just passing through.” Or ships that “have sailed” – those are the bestest IMO, because those ships offer Me the most… challenge. Interest. Excitement.

But here’s the Story I am telling right now. [N: I guess You could call all that “the necessary Context” for what comes next]

[N: and I could just be hangry right now, because technically I haven’t eaten My breakfast yet… so I wanna get this Story posted so I can go back to “scavenging for food” in My Kitchen]

Sometimes? I do take credit. I am the first to say How Awesome I Am… but, the trick is I don’t take credit “100% of the time.” [N: this speaks to Equilibrium again, but that’s Another Story for Another day] It depends on what My goal is. Is My goal “money”? Adoration by the madding crowds?? Or is it.. PASSION just likes the dopamine jolts?

You guess, DR, which one drives AKA motivates My behavior in Current Day.

And consider this: Me taking credit for something – while useful in certain scenarios – is gonna be happening below the water line of the iceberg.

You won’t be able to see it, DR. There won’t be any external air-quotes ‘Proof.’ You will only be forced – at Your Own discretion, certainly – to observe what I do. To hear what I say. And then – using this acquired data – to do a TECH evaluation in Your Own SB.

Let’s call Her… Amanda.

I’ve known Amanda for more than a handful of years now, having first crossed paths with Her in “business networking” – Amanda is a Nurse, and I was selling life insurance at the time.

Amanda has two Adult Kids – one Boy & one Girl – and 3 Grands. Daughter Cindy has twin Boys, and Tim has Amanda’s Granddaughter, Kitty.

Tim’s Baby Mama *hates* Amanda, and as a result of this hatred? Baby Mama disallows Amanda from ever seeing or spending time with Kitty IRL.

Amanda is distraught.

As Amanda’s Support Person, I’ve been around & around this elephant with Her, trying to piece out the reasons, the Why’s, the how-did-this-happens. And IMO? All those details are irrelevant, because… because the outcome is the same: Kitty doesn’t know Amanda exists, or even that She has another Grandmother… a Grandmother who is still alive in Current Day. [N: knock on wood]

Most recently, Tim flew in from out-of-state – Tim works back east so travels a bunch – to attend Kitty’s 1^st Holy Communion. [N: which makes Her… lemme see: age 7? or thereabouts]

The last time Amanda was able to even hold Kitty was shortly after Her birth. Amanda didn’t manifest as “The Devil” AKA “Total B#tch” to Tim’s Baby Mama yet, so even though that time period “felt a little awkward” from Amanda’s perspective? She felt very, very happy with the knowledge that Kitty was born healthy, happy, etc. etc. I mean, think about it. First daughter of Amanda’s only Son! “How exciting!?!” [N: PASSION agrees]

And it all seemed Good through Kitty’s first year of Life… until, it wasn’t. Far from it.

Amanda knew exactly when ‘the End’  manifested: She took a big box over to Kitty’s maternal Grandparents’ house at Xmas-time – a huge stuffed penguin from Tim’s Dad [N: AKA Amanda’s ex, Lolo] – and left it on the porch, a la “Secret Santa.”

Returning home hours later – Amanda ran some errands; it was a Saturday if I recall the details accurately – and Amanda, pulling into Her driveway, noticed the box was now sitting on Her porch… having been discarded [N: My guess and Amanda’s, here] and returned by Kitty’s Mom.

Amanda’s heart sank. And She was truly – excruciatingly painfully – devastated. [N: PASSION agrees]

But this Story isn’t about Amanda, technically. It’s about Me, as Amanda’s Support Person, attempting to coach Her in Planting Seeds for Tim. Tim, Who – despite Amanda’s full acknowledgment that every decision involving Kitty is 50% Tim’s responsibility AKA with Tim’s consent as the sperm donor – Amanda made a conscious decision [N: an Executive Decision] to prioritize Her Own relationship with Her Son, versus the other option: destroying it in a Blaze of Glory. It took longer than a minute, but Amanda finally realized that these are all Tim’s Own Life choices to make: Tim is the Only Boss of Tim… Amanda’s love for Her Son notwithstanding. [N: f#cking Free Will BS]

But back to My Story. [N: here’s Me, stepping into a Support Person role:]

“Gurrlll, first of all: This totally sucks! I’m soo, soo sorry this is happening?! You did nothing to deserve this.” [N: it isn’t about Amanda per se. It’s Baby Mama’s UNKN issues, in Her Own SB that are causing this result IMO]

“If this were Me? I would Plant a Seed for My Son. Who knows? Maybe someday in the Future? Things will change. Anything’s Possible, amiright?”

“After Tim comes back to Your house after tomorrow’s 1^st Holy Communion, say something like this:

‘You know, Son? I have this Friend… Jackie. Jackie has a similar situation with Not being allowed to make Memories with Her only Grandkid. So the 1^st Holy Communion is at a public place – a church, where All are Welcome.’ [N: that’s what the brochure says, anyways]

Jackie’s Son could totally scribble the address/time/date & leave a note for Jackie on the kitchen counter – and none would be the wiser. Jackie could go – in disguise – and see Her Grandkid’s FHC without triggering Anybody Else who might also be in attendance. Win-Win!’”

And that’s all I hafta do. Plant a Seed, and back off. Plant another Seed later on – as needed – and back off. And keep planting seeds. If I keep planting these seeds, the chickens will keep pecking in the sh#t for them… and sooner or later?

The Pony will be free.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: It’s not a piece of cake, to be a Support Person to a Human Being Who is well aware that the clock is ticking… and Her Own days are numbered. But, all She can do – all Anybody can do, really – is just keep moving through the tunnel, believing I will come out the other side of it. Could I die before this happens? Of course. Anything is Possible, right? But… Imma Hope for the Best.

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay. I Promise.”

I enjoy reading articles on the Internet. You might wanna label this behavior “doom-scrolling” DR, but You’d be inaccurate: It’s not “Doom” I’m searching for.

I’m searching for My next Connection. My next… Soulmate.

And *Spoiler Alert!* it just happened!! Again! Just now in fact!?!? [N: PASSION *screaming with pleasure*]

I found this particular Tasty Snack via Huffpost – which, I know I know – takes a lot of shall-We-say Not-So-Friendly Fire, depending on who’s posting the Comment. [N: that’s Why I caution You on reading Comments underneath any Internet article, for the most part. Talk about “doom-scrolling!” lmao]

Back to My Story.

This article, by *checks notes* Mr. DJ Bracken, reveals a very, very unique – and interesting – perspective involving the Concept of Poor Kids getting what Pearl-Clutching Adults [N: I ‘see’ You, TECH!! grrr] refer to as “an alternative lunch” – which is what that Kid gets branded with – when They find Themselves with not enough cash in the School Lunch line. [N: probably the same Folks who coined the term “alternative facts”]

Think about it, DR. It’s like the f#cking Priest – Somebody I Trusted – knocked Me up and now I find Myself with a big fat *A* on My chest for the entire World to See. [N: this “A” which stands for A$$hole is on the wrong goddamn chest]

Here’s Why I am writing about DJ, the Story-teller in My Story, now.

There’s a saying that applies, here: “When the Student is Ready, the Teacher will Appear.” Does this Other Person, fellow Human Being, a literal Stranger to Me air-quotes “owe” Me anything? Nope. Is it statistically likely I will Connect with Liara’s Dad IRL? While sure, “Anything is Possible” – TECH believes No, it’s not very likely.

But TBH? I got what I “needed.” Or more specifically, I got what the Universe felt I needed, and what I needed was to see/witness validation that I Am Not Alone out here. There are Other People, other “Like-Minded Individuals” that are walking beside Me. Or – in My periodic moments of despair, frustration, aggravation, etc. etc.  – are carrying Me.

I really, really needed this Connection just now. Thank You, DJ/DR/whatev Your Name is. It’s enough for Me to keep the train moving.

I gotta keep moving forward.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Here’s the title of DJ’s article, DR, in case You wish to Google at Your Own leisure: “I Randomly Decided To Pay Off A School’s Lunch Debt. Then Something Incredible Happened.” Posted May 3, 2025.

Ahhh, there it is! The word “should” – a total TECH tell.

. . .

This Story is about a Buddy of Mines. Let’s call Him… Matthew. I’ve known Matt for going on 3 decades now. Matt is a Doctor by trade. [N: No, DR, not “My” doctor loll]

Matt has regaled Me over the years with, “crazy Patient behaviors” which, “I Love a Good Story” so I am here for it, and 2) it’s how I can be a Support Person to Matt, who juggles a lot of balls in the air – You know, that Life-and-Death stuff. Not an easy gig, if You ask Me.

Listening to these Stories, I always notice a common thread: Matt prioritizes the Human Being in front of Him. Always. It *tells Me* that He is an Excellent Doctor as well as a “Good Human Being”… even though He’s not My doc, specifically, I can piece together the clues for TECH to do an air-quotes ‘unbiased’ evaluation.

Imagining being Matt’s Patient for a minute – and He having to give Me data of “My Own imminent DOD” – PASSION adds the details of how this particular episode would go.

Matt: “Ok! The results of the tests came back blah blah blah [N: PASSION doesn’t care about all this crap in between] and,” *pause*

What You don’t see here, DR? Matt is making eye-to-eye contact with Me right now. He is hooking into PASSION, specifically. Why? Because as soon as TECH acquires this new data – this new, potentially traumatic data – Matt is ready to catch the egg before it falls outta the nest.

Imagining Myself as this Patient? I can totally Trust Dr. Matt. [N: In comparison, My current PCP is closer to the “Sh#tty Person” side of the spectrum, so Imma keep looking for My Doctor Person… but that’s Another Story for Another day] I know – using My Own IRL Experience – that having a Doctor I trust is like having a Therapist I trust, or a Teacher I trust, or – literally – any Other Person that I Trust. While sure, once the Meet Cute happens I start from the Trust position, the Other Person’s behavior will inform My SB if I remain in this position. *Spoiler Alert!* You’re only gonna get one shot, DR.

But back to My Story.

Where was I? Oh yeah, right before the other shoe drops.

Matt: “I’m sooo, so sorry to tell You, Conner: Blah blah blah – and, it’s terminal.”

PASSION checked out just now, for a few seconds. [N: seconds IRL = an eternity for PASSION. kinda like visiting Narnia]

TECH takes over from here: “How long do I got, Doc?”

And TECH busily scribbles that mental data down on the notepad, for filing away later. Also, to recall when I get to the “Tell My Loved Ones” part of the Story.

This part of My Story, DR? This part hasn’t been written, yet.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I read an article in the not so distant past, about some Girl – Imma guess, “Youngish Adult” – that Her Doctor not only told her She was “gonna die” but also that “there is no hope.” Wow, what a Sh#tty Person!?! And so the article that was being written was how this Girl was opting for Euthanasia. [N: euthanasia = lost My will to Live. A Pearl-Clutcher’s way to describe offing Myself]

The details of this Girl’s Story included “a boyfriend” and “two cats.” It was the mention of the cats that triggered PASSION, and I ended up emailing the Author of that article, asking Him to forward a message to this Girl. I forget exactly what I said, but I know it had to do with Planting Seeds: This Doc is a f#cking moron & don’t listen to him, You have Connections IRL – the boyfriend & that cats – and how Her situation resonated for Me personally: having a chronic disease that can kill Me at any time, plus She is the only Boss of Herself. Or… something to that effect.

I hope PASSION hears Me. I don’t have Proof – and never searched for any, anyways. So not having Proof of the outcome? Imma just believe in the best case scenario. I ‘see’ You, Little Girl across the Universe. I see You. And I Love You. Keep going… You are still in the tunnel. Come out on this side, and stand next to Me. I’m waiting for You. xo

If You are My Bestie, DR, and You start the conversation “Don’t tell Anybody, but…” That’s a tell You are gonna be revealing something… difficult. Or painful. Or embarrassing.

And – because of Our Connection AKA “relationship” – Imma prioritize “Keeping Your Secrets.” Why? Because I Love You, You Silly Rabbit!

I will default, with the ‘picking sides’ business. I will always pick Your side. From the get-go.

*Spoiler Alert!* But nothing obligates Me to stay on Your side.

As with Everything? “It All just Depends.” And it depends – per usual – on those pesky details. [N: TDiiTD]

If You just spent the weekend with Your Favorite Uncle, regaling Me of “all the fun stuff” You (You & FU) did together, that one time You ate ice cream for dinner, etc. etc? And then – Outta Nowhere!? – You slyly toss is this: “… and later, when He was helping draw My bath, He grabbed My privates…”

*mental grenade explodes*

Okay. Lemme clarify something, DR. Why would this MG explode in My Own SB? Especially if there’s no external excitement from My Bestie who is giving Me this new data? Why isn’t any mental grenades exploding in Her SB?

It may be. I may very well be pinging Her Own SB, too, but for the reason You might guess, DR. Playing Devils’s Advocate for a minute here, Imma guess that You think My Bestie’s SB is pinging because “She knows Adults touching My private parts = Bad.” And – if My Bestie is an Adult-sized Human Being? I will assume She does, in fact, have this data already. Which means She is seeking My Support, or My advice on what to do next.

But… what if She’s a Child-sized HB? What if She doesn’t have this data already, technically speaking. Or rather – and more likely – what if Her Own gut is screaming that “something is wrong in the state of Denmark” here, but She’s unsure? “Can’t put My finger on it,” so let Me call a Friend & validate this theory before I react?

If I am the Adult in this scenario, Yes, I would believe it is My job – AKA “My Responsibility” to tell Someone. Because Why? Because Little Shirley here? She needs HELP.

Little Shirley is testing Me, by being vulnerable with Me & revealing this data. LS wants to see if 1) I will help Her, and/or 2) If I can be trusted to “keep Her secret.” It’s a total Sophie’s choice IMO.

This is as far as I can take You, in this Conceptual AKA Hypothetical Scenario. Why? There’s too many ways it can go, IRL. As previously stated: I Don’t Have All the Answers to These Questions! But You can be damn sure of one thing: If – and when – I find Myself in this exact IRL situation? Imma deal with it then, in My Own way. [N: *Spoiler Alert!* I’m using the entirety of the data housed in My Own Invisible Library Files to do this IRL TECH evaluation… while balancing PASSION’s Needs for Little Shirley]

. . .

Conner’s Comments: TECH – when faced with an IRL situation where there is an extremely high level of emotions, usually negative – will say stupid sh#t like, “There’s good people on both sides…” This is how TECH avoids dealing with what’s right in front of Me. It’s a tell – it tells Me that the OP saying these words has an utter lack of Equilibrium for some UNKN reason. [N: Imma guess They were probably molested as a Child, or otherwise f#cked up – physically, figuratively, emotionally, whatev – in some way, during those Childhood years]

It’s also a Rookie mistake.

I attended Happy Hour last night – “We got the Band Back Together” – and the venue? Korean BBQ. [N: again] loll

“Conner!? Didn’t You just have KBBQ like, a minute ago??” Yes, DR, but that was the Group choice. Me? I don’t really care what the location, the food, etc. etc. ends up being, because My Priority – particularly with this specific collection of Human Beings – is to Connect with Them. So… choices.

These are not fresh-outta-the-box relationships, here. We have all – Kha, Vee, and Airyn – been acquainted with AKA “have known Each Other” for almost two decades now, having first met at work. [N: We were all on the same work team at the time] And the rest? Is History. [N: Vee started out with the name ‘Guadalupe’ but “wasn’t feeling it”…  so now She goes by ‘Vee’ – which We all oblige, because We All Love Her]

It’s not *snaps fingers* easy to Prioritize Happy Hours – is that counter-intuitive? loll – I mean, Everybody has Their various family configurations – Kids, Wives, Husbands, Significant Others/Partners, Aged Parents, etc. etc. – but today’s technology [N: group chat in Messenger] makes it easier to get on Each Other’s radar. HH is also useful to get Me out of My Sanctuary, so TECH jumps at this opportunity for more than just one reason.

Kha told Us a Story that I immediately – upon hearing it – announced, “Imma write a Story about this!”

And here it is, DR, for Your viewing pleasure.

Kha: “I heard one time on the radio…” [N: or was it a podcast?? Nevermind – those details aren’t important]

“This Lady – a Vegan – was talking about how She eats meat.” [N: the Lady in question was self-labeling, Herself, as a Vegan. this applying a commonly-understood term to Oneself is permissible FYI]

*mental grenade explodes*

Which – as any Great Storyteller knows – is the desired effect. Starting with data that is variant to the Listener’s current understanding of something is a surefire way to “hook” Them in. It’s how to get any Other Person’s air-quotes ‘undivided attention.’ [N: and from that moment on? I am shooting fish in a barrel loll]

Kha continues.

“So the Lady – who is Vegan because She doesn’t wanna kill Animals – says that She will ‘eat meat that’s leftover because 1) She doesn’t wanna waste food, and 2) the Animal has already given it’s Life…”

This part resonated strongly for Me, because in My SB? I would rather – literally – die than waste food. Ever.

Kha finished the thought: “… and so She wanted to honor the Animal’s sacrifice.”

Me, Airyn & Vee sit in silence for a moment, pondering this newly acquired data.

The rest of what happened here? We all took turns sharing Our Own unique perspective on this Lady & Her personal reveal about being a Vegan & eating meat, at the same time. [N: isn’t this a sign that You are super smart? That You can hold two opposing thoughts in Your Own SB at the same time? hmm] It was a lively discussion – lots of laughing & quirkiness & boisterous antics [N: okay okay, I admit: PASSION is the Main Character with this behavior] – but that was how the entire evening went… and Why I look forward to HH with such excitement & anticipate. Like… foreplay, I suppose.

When We first had Our group Meet Cute all those years ago? Kha was the Supervisor & the rest of Us were the Kittens. [N: underlings, direct reports, pee-ons, whatev] In Current Day? Now Airyn is the Boss, Vee has a different Boss, and Kha & I work elsewhere. And yet, We maintain our Connection, through the distractions of Life, through Thick & Thing… My guess? Because Each of Us, in Our Own way, values this Connection to maintain it as a Priority.

In a World of celebrity break-ups or “We grew apart” BS? Our Band is still together. And playing some sweet music.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: And in case You are wondering, DR, Yes: some leftover meat made it home with Me, via My man purse. [N: man purse = the bag I carry My drugs in; drugs = insulin loll] And also Yes, I took out over half of My weekly grocery budget allotment for this one meal… but? Totally worth it. And I count it as the Exception to My usual “pay as little as possible for food” Rule, because We don’t get together for Happy Hour every weekend.

But that’s Me.

Yeah, DR, I have a super-power. [N: and No, I am Not humble about it – mostly because it makes TECH start all Pearl-Clutching loll]

My super-power is spinning gold outta straw.

I get it: You Don’t Believe Me. But – just like Gravity – even if You don’t Believe in it? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. [N: similar to “Magic” IMO]

When I’m roaming around the surface of this planet – untethered & unattended – PASSION always has one eye on the horizon. I never know when I’m gonna Connect with one of My Soulmates. I never know when I’m gonna fall In Love… at First Sight.

Which brings Me to My Buddy Tony.

Now, in Full Disclosure: Whenever any Other Person introduces Themselves as some version of the name “Anthony”? My drawbridge immediately comes down. I walk out, arms wide open, saying, “Where the f#ck have You been?? I’ve been waiting for You!”

But – technically – this isn’t Tony’s fault. “It’s Not You. It’s Me.” I am the Boss of Me, so I control when – if ever – I physically walk outside of My Sanctuary or I stay holed up inside, snug as a bug in a rug.

But You know what happens to bugs inside the house too long? They get killed. WIth a big cast iron pan, or a rolled up magazine. Or – like that Elephant – underfoot.

But back to My Story.

I knew pretty much instantaneously Me & Tony are Besties in another multiverse. He walked towards Me immediately – none of His posture was “defensive” and He was smiling at Me. But not artificially smiling. Tony was smiling with his eyes… not just His mouth. [N: it’s a total PASSION tell, FYI]

So lemme give You a visual, so You can share this Story being shared right now from inside My SB. So You, DR, can “picture it.”

Tony is a dancer. An artist. I’ve observed Tony a million times before, driving along this one particular street in My hood, just… dancing. Alone. Boom box next to Him, sure, but I never ‘hear’ the music firsthand: I don’t need to. I can ‘see’ the music, watching Tony’s behavior. Watching His expression of utter… joy, while He’s dancing for all the Lonely People in the Universe. [N: brings ‘Eleanor Rigby’ to mind]

Imagining Tony & I are in the same multiverse for a moment, I say this:

“You are doing it, Anthony. You are doing what ‘needs to be done’ to heal this World. Keep it up. The Silent Majority? Those of Us Who desire to manifest it, but don’t exactly know how to, yet? Those of Us – Me, included – Who are still traveling through the tunnel?”

“That music You are hearing, that music You are dancing to? It’s not from that Boom Box sitting on the ground next to You. It’s coming from You, Kid. It’s coming straight from Your Heart.”

And PASSION? No matter where PASSION is… PASSION feels it.

*mic drop

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Being a Visionary isn’t all fun & games, Anthony. It’s all great when it’s sunny outside, but when it’s a cloudy day like today? Keep one eye out for the Helpers, as Mr. Fred Rogers always says. They seem to magically appear when You least expect Them to. They appear when You are at Your bottom of a Rabbit Hole.

I’m Forever gonna be rooting for You.

“Until We Meet Again”