Stream of CONSCIOUSNESS

It’s My Son’s birthday this month.

He’s got a lot of balls to juggle these days, so I try to brainstorm new ways to “mess Him up,” meaning, pull Him out of His Life’s Auto-Pilot. As far as I’ve seen? Everybody needs help doing this from time to time. [N: and now that He’s a full-fledged Adult-sized Human Being? He’s got all the same worries, goals, agendas as His Old Man – including Wife & Kids]

I jump on Insta every so often, mostly to ping dopamine jolts in PASSION. My personal triggers? Cat antics, Quirky Stuff I Don’t Expect from otherwise “Normal People” – all that noise. It’s fun. It “takes the edge off.” It keeps Me… balanced in My Own IRL-Life. [N: otherwise I’d just go batsh#t crazy, running in circles all in My head all the time loll]

My Buddy Derek has a Insta page: soupygarbagejuice. Derek & I were virtually introduced by a mutual Acquaintance who sent Me one of Derek’s Reels for My birthday. And – outta nowhere – a Life-long Friendship was born. Conceptual Friendship, sure, but those details don’t matter. [N: to PASSION, anyways]

After copying/pasting the link into My Messenger Chat I have with My Kid, I clicked to re-watch it. Per TECH’s expectations, the Reel did Not disappoint.

But all of this is just Context for what this Story is about. “Patience is a Virtue” Right, DR? Don’t rush Me.. I’m getting to that part. [N: inch by inch, like a Gentleman]

My SB pinged for whatever UNKN reason: “The School Bully.”

PASSION started to imagine just how a normal, happy little Baby – like My Son started out; like every Baby starts out, IMO – got so f#cked up to grow up to be a School Bully. Or – to keep growing, if They don’t off themselves & a bunch of Other People at the school – They become a Mass Shooter, and go out in a Blaze of Glory. [N: not as a Phoenix, though, because IRL there’s no coming back from this particular Ending]

PASSION, *waves hand wildly* “ME! Pick Me!! I know the Answer!!??!!”

*Spoiler Alert!* PASSION doesn’t really air-quotes ‘know’ the Answer, because there isn’t any way to get Proof. But – and this is a big butt – TECH backs PASSION up here, because – in the words of My Soulmate Mr. Spock – “It’s completely logical.”

Nobody bothers to Connect IRL anymore.

School Bullies used to be the Exception, in My Experience. Now? They are the Rule. And looking at the bigger World out here? I totally get it. Can I blame “the Internet”? I could.. but then I’d look really stupid IMO. I’ve manifested the Internet as Freddy Kruger – a monster that kills Me in My dreams – and now? I am 100% a Victim. [N: I do this to Myself, FYI]

But back to My Story.

To “do it over again” – which means, if I had the power to take that purple crayon I’m holding, and rewrite the Universe’s Story here – I’d take these steps:

1. Assign one of the Adults working in My school – Principal? Counselor? Gym Coach? – that “most of the Kids look up to” AKA Connect with, in a positive way. [N: and Yes, it is incumbent upon Me to watch for clues to make sure this Person is not a TABI – spot checks, like random drug tests on the job]

• Using the Master List of “every Student’s birthday” – which is data on multiple forms already – I would have the Gym Coach dress up as a Clown, or Spiderman, or something cool to the Kids “right now” – and I would send the Birthday Kid a “singing telegram” to Their classroom.

• And finally? I would observe the Kid’s behavior. But not just the Birthday Kid, mind You: Imma observe every Kid in This Classroom. Who is giving Me eye-to-eye contact? Who is looking down, frowning? The external behavior could be anything, TBH.

And armed with this firsthand Experience data? I can ‘see’ who may need more Support. I can ‘see’ who is falling off a cliff into a Rabbit Hole –  not of the Kid’s own making, but one He can’t avoid – and I can Do Something. I can Do Anything.

I can Say Anything.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Yes, DR, We have All created a World – in Current Day – where now even a Teacher is an Enemy. On a good day, Teachers are viewed as “Suspicious.” But for Me, personally? It all boils down to Trust. If I don’t Trust You to have My Kid’s best interests? I will pull out My gun & shoot You through the door as You stand on My porch… and not think twice about it. If My SB perceives You as a Foe, an Enemy, a Bad Guy? That is the Reality that I will manifest externally.

You are Bad because I make You Bad. Just like a School Bully is made. smh

No, I don’t “do this with Everybody,” DR. I categorically do Not treat Every Human Being air-quotes ‘the Same.’ It’s impossible, for Me anyways.

You? You are One-of-a-Kind. You are like… a fingerprint. Or a take-My-breath-away sunset in the sky. Or… a dandelion, just before blowing on it & making a wish.

Nobody looks like You, Nobody acts like You or thinks like You *in exactly the same way* – even, My Twin – and there will never before or after in the History of the Universe ever be another… Me.

And – if You are learning anything from Me so far – reading that last sentence makes perfect sense if You imagine Yourself to be the One saying it… instead of imagining I am saying it verbally to You. [N: both total tells, here]

Probably this exact thought – and I had it, just now, in Current Day – really caused ripples in My Own SB. Why? Because of all My “Kill Myself” data in the Files. Every external anything – completely random unrelated stuff, You’d think [N: it’s counter-intuitive] – that happens out here? That I am in some way involved in or affected by, firsthand? It’s like fingers, strumming the strings of an acoustic guitar. Or just one string, on a harp. And it creates this echo, this rumbling, getting louder & louder & louder until it deafens Me. [N: I would imagine that a pregnant woman would feel something similar, in the kick of the baby in Her Own tummy]

. . .

Wait? Where was I?! Oh Yes. You, DR. I was Connecting with You. I AM Connecting with You right now.

TECH – the kill-joy, per usual – would “with all good intentions” serve up the data of the external Reality: “Of course, more than one Person will visit this website. Of course there’s more than just one Person – statistically – on this planet. [N: 3^rd rock from the Sun] Of course, there is… blah blah blah…”

Yeah, I stopped listening. [N: says PASSION]

If I was focused on the eyeballs? Eyeballs = $$? I’dve set this site up differently. I wasn’t. If I was “looking for Sponsors to fund My Passion Project here?” I’d come out and say that. I’d at least have a counter, right?? To “Prove” to any Other Person how much website traffic I have?

I don’t know how else to prove it to You, DR, that I mean what I say. I guess You are just gonna hafta Trust Me. [N: or Not loll]

But lemme pull back the curtain just a little bit more before I flutter away.

All these Stories I’m writing? And posting? The Story manifests in My SB, and it’s Connected, in some way, to You. All these Stories? They are all about You. Nobody Else. And they “come to Me” like a machine gun in a movie theatre… I can’t keep up with them fast enough. I can’t avoid the bullets. I’m being shot full of lead, in My Own mind, while I am bleeding to death in the dark.

I totally get why Creative People off themselves in large numbers, or like that one painter Guy who cut his own ear off. I totally get it.

And this is a great lead-in for Equilibrium. But… that’s Another Story for Another day.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Don’t let anyone ever tell You You aren’t Special, DR. Or that You are a terrible Singer. [N: their opinion] Or that You are too loud, disruptive, or weird. [N: Troglodytes, all of them] I’m not in Your skin right now, but when You get to the End of self-soothing – and there Is an End to the torture, I promise – and You feel ready to jump back out of this Rabbit Hole? F#CK Them! Or? Later on, maybe, and only if You feel like it: Forgive Them. No pressure At All. In the words of JC hanging on the cross at the very end there? “They Know Not What They Do.” Accurate, JC. I knew You were My Soulmate!

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay.”

And when I say “faking it” what I mean by this is “just like that scene in When Harry Met Sally, when H & S are having lunch together and She is giving Harry data that He clearly – by observation of His behavior – has ‘never heard’ before. Specifically? Sally is exploding a mental grenade in Harry’s SB in this scene.

This, DR, is PASSION. At least, this is what PASSION ‘looks like’ in My Own SB. No matter how the external shell physically ages or changes over time. You could be standing on My porch right now, and the Person that opens the door doesn’t appear exactly like this. In fact, You may only catch a passing glimpse of PASSION, assuming We (You & Me) Connect in some way. [N: usually, with verbal conversation]

But just like lightning? PASSION can – and does – disappear. Usually, after electrocuting some Human Being on the ground loll. And You may not know “what hit You” or even if You “were imagining it” – but I am here to say, 100% Guaranteed, that PASSION is *always* present. But not always… visible to the naked eye.

It’s not that PASSION doesn’t Trust You, DR: PASSION Loves You. No questions asked. Light switch on? Light switch off. It’s pretty much instantaneous, from My Own personal Experience.

But PASSION isn’t the only one in this bottle: There’s also a message.

And who is writing this message? Who is scribbling notes furiously on the notepad? TECH. TECH is acquiring all the data that’s happening right now, between You & Me, in Real Time. And as all this IRL mutual Experience data is gathered? TECH is continuously doing an evaluation. Literally, minute by minute, New evaluation. Why? Because it’s not You I don’t Trust. It’s this external World We – Society – are all living in loll.

Conceptually? This World is a pretty sh#tty place to be stuck in, IMO. So I don’t air-quotes ‘Live’ in it: I create My Own World to live in. I Connect with Friendly Strangers, I convert Them into My Herd, I pay attention to My Own unfilled Needs, etc. etc. And that’s it! “I go about My Own business.”

And You wanna know something? I Am Living My Best Life right now.

But –  like everything else that’s worth manifesting for Myself IRL – it takes constant practice. And hey! I got outta bed this morning, so I clearly ain’t done yet loll.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I can guess that TECH Folks “out there” wanna know – Inquiring Minds always do, after all – Who & What I am IRL. “Is Conner a Guy? With a d#ck? A Chick with a pu$$y? A Gay Man? Binary? Transvestite? What bathroom does Conner use??”

And wanting to know this data is a TECH Rabbit Hole. Responding “None of Your Business, DR” is too lazy IMO. Imma flesh out some details for You: First? Unless You and I are about to f#ck each other, physically, IRL? This data is irrelevant, and Second? Who the f#ck cares?! Seriously, think about it. Are You so unhappy in Your Own Life that You have all kinds of time to ponder on what I am specifically doing, or saying, or how I am living?? *checks watch* Last I checked? We are all burnin’ daylight here. But hey! As long as You are happy with the results, You do You, okay?

“I’m Not the Boss of You.” [N: Thank God because I’d probably do a much better job, clearly lmao]

You know how “People Say” – first of all, Who are these People?!? Who Says?? And Why should I care?!?… – PASSION! “Come back to the light, come back…” There’s a Good Girl.

Ok, where was I? Oh Yes, I remember.

The oft-touted phrase in Current Day is, “Pretend Your Mother Is Watching.” And – My guess, here – is that well-meaning TECH Folks use this phrase to manage the Other Person’s behavior. The intent is for this Other Person – regardless of Who this OP is – to “make Good choices.” [N: I personally hate this phrase loll]

*Spoiler Alert!* They probably are gonna blow You off, DR. You are Not the Boss of Them. [N: all You are doing is pushing them underground… the iceberg below the water line]

But back to My Story.

The necessary Context: Imagine, DR, You are a Parent of a younger-than-legal Adulthood age Child. Let’s make You… “Mom.”

Okay! You are Mom, and Your goal is to teach this Kid how to “clean Their room.” it all sounds good in theory, right? Well, here’s where You probably are f#cking it up. “The best laid plans go awry” fits here.

It all starts out good – They are little Toddler-sized rugrats and “after We play with Our toys, We put them Away inside the toy box…” or wherever the toys are “put away” in Your House. [N: and No, I am not trying to subliminally make You go out and “buy a toybox”!? grrrr]

And You, Mom? You typically do this at least a few times, depending on how many balls You hafta juggle day in and day out.

So let’s now imagine some F#cker is tossing You more balls to juggle. [N: this is where that “Sh#t Happens” rears its ugly head]

Your TECH probably figures, “Little Billy knows where His toys get put away when He’s done playing with them…” so now You are just going to give LB the verbal directive AKA command. And… hope for the best. [N: this part? It’s called “Winging It”]

No, DR, I’m not ignoring the Devil. [N: AKA I’m not ignoring the Details AKA “the Context”, here]

But I’m here to point out to You that “You Missed a Spot.”

You, Mom, skipped a step for this Kid’s SB – an unimportant one in Your Own Adult-sized SB, agreed, but not in this Kid’s little, still-developing SB! You are 1) Not giving Him enough data, and 2) Not showing Him how to use it!

“But-But-But Conner!?? I TOLD Him where the TOYS get put away at!!”

Agreed, You did that much. But You don’t get any prizes, Mom, unless & until You “see it all the way through.”

Let’s jump into those details, now.

1. You played with Little Billy. [N: so far, so good…]
2. Then, You showed Little Billy “where the toys go” and added the necessary Context for Him by adding, “when We are done playing with Our toys, they get put away in the toy box.” [N: good, good. keep going…]
4.  When Little Billy fails to execute the desired behavior? Imma drop the hammer. [N: scream/yell/spank/punish etc. etc.]

See? You DID Skip a Step! Let’s go back to what fits in #3.

What didn’t You do that You should have, DR? You should have watched Little Billy execute the behavior.

Because You didn’t firsthand observe Little Billy “putting those toys away into the toy box” You have No Proof that He can do it correctly! DUh. I know You wanna just assume that He can do it, but You know ‘What They Say’ about assuming, right?

No, poor Little Billy isn’t a moron. He isn’t stupid. [N: And if You label Him verbally like this, You are doing Your Child a great disservice IMO]

He’s just… New.

Think about it. Maybe three or four years ago? This Kid did Not Even Exist, as a fellow Human Being – Child or otherwise – walking around on this planet! He came in as “a blank slate”! There is nothing – literally, nothing – in His Invisible Library yet!! [N: okay, maybe not nothing by now. But certainly, not as much data as You, DR, have in Your adult-sized Files]

Step #3 is basic. Here it is:

“After playing with the toys – right before You flip the pancake, Mom – I want You to tell Billy, ‘Ok! Now Imma let You put Your own toys away, okay Honey? Imma just sit over here, quietly, and watch You do it. To make sure You can do it on Your own without Mommy’s help from now on, Okay?’”

This last “Okay” is super KEY, because what You are doing here, DR, is asking for this Human Being’s Consent. If Little Billy responds like He’s fearful or afraid, it means He is not sure of Himself yet, and You have to flip Your Own SB into Support mode now – meaning, TECH hands the speaking stick to PASSION, and PASSION helps to self-soothe Little Billy. [N: even though Billy is not self-soothing, yet, don’t get caught up in the terminology – this is a TECH Rabbit Hole – because We need to clearly articulate what self-soothing is for Billy’s Future Adulthood]

Trust Little Billy in His behaviors, and in His verbal speech. He will let You know if “He’s got it.” He will let You know when “He needs Your Support.”

You? You just hafta be Loving Him enough to pay attention, Mom.

Good luck.

Conscious Me to the Universe:

“What is the Meaning of Life, God? Please. I need help, here! This place blows!?! But I can’t seem to find My way outta this f#cking maze You call ‘Life’! $%&#$@”

. . .

. . .

My SB to Me: “That’s the Wrong Question.”

My SB to Me: “What does My Herd think? What does My Mom say? How does Society answer this question??” [N: *runs to Mr. Google to search for memes*]

My SB to Me: “There IS No Meaning!? This is all BS! It all Means JACK SH#T!! Aggghhh!”

My SB to Me: “Dude, calm down. ‘It’s All Gonna Be Okay, I Promise.’ Here… have this cookie, fresh outta the oven…”

My SB to Me: “I need My Bestie?! I need to talk to Somebody, Anybody!” *scampers off to call My Liz*

My SB to Me: *breathe, breathe*

My SB to Me, again: “Keep breathing, Kid… ‘This Too Shall Pass.’…”

My SB to Me: “Grab the lowest hanging fruit. First thing in front of You. One step is all it takes. Baby steps. You are still in the tunnel right now. Trust Me. Trust Yourself.”

My SB to Me: “I’ll survive this. I have so far, right? Right??!”

. . .

*Spoiler Alert!* Yes, DR. You Will “Survive” This. But – and this is a big butt – only if PASSION believes You can. So start there, first.

Good Luck! xo/CR

When Our (Yours & Mines) paths intersect on the street, DR – Conceptually or IRL Experience is irrelevant – Imma seek the answers to these 3 questions, before I proceed:

1. Do You Trust Me?
2. Do I Have Your Undivided Attention?
3. Can You accept if I say the word, “F#ck” – not just once, but over & over & over again?

This is how I, Conner Romesco, gauge if You – Other Person & fellow Human Being – are “creating a Safe Space” for Me to be Authentic with You, DR.

No, it’s not automatic. There’s already been a lot of data acquired in the Files, but that’s all “Invisible Work” to You, DR, because You are external to My SB.

But let’s imagine We have Connected IRL a few times, and You want to “BeFriend” Me. You wanna hang out with Me. You wanna ask Me to date You. Whatev the case may be.

*Spoiler Alert!* I don’t waste My time doing this with Conceptual Folks – I’m sure they are all “very nice people, on both sides” – but I just can’t waste My time or energy in that realm. I’d rather spend that time & energy on the IRL Connections I am making right now. [N: I get way more dopamine jolts this way]

I’m not gonna verbally even ask these things, most of the time. But I will ‘get’ those answers regardless: PASSION is listening. PASSION is watching. It’s PASSION that gives Conscious Me – and TECH – the go-ahead to proceed with the patty-cake playing.

“Leap! And the Net will Appear.” -or- “Take a Chance.” -or- “Ask Forgiveness, Not Permission.” Take Your pic, DR. We have a bunch of useful phrases for this Concept out here already. [N: loll]

And one more thing: If this all goes according to [N: My] plan? Congrats!

“You are Now My Soulmate.”

. . .

Conner’s Comments: And if that scene in Titanic – that scene with Jack & Rose – pops into Your SB while You read this Story, DR? If that scene resonated strongly for You just now? Then You and I could Fall-In-Love-at-First Sight, DR. In another multiverse of course. But since We (You & Me) are in this multiverse? Imma make You My Bestie instead.

“Go bring Me a shell from the Beach…” This? This saying applies here.

I will never, ever ever – AKA I will go to My grave, carrying this in My Heart – tell You what “kind of shell” to bring back to Me. That’s a TECH Rabbit Hole, and – per usual – TECH is missing the plot.

But because This Whole Website is about “Planting Seeds”? Imma tell You, DR. [N: but don’t rat Me out to TECH… I like to keep TECH guessing lolll]

Here’s My Rule: “I Will Never Give You a MadLibs with all the blanks filled in.” I mean, where’s the fun in that?!? [N: My Own Answer: “None”]

It’s a Test.

“But-But-But Conner!?!?! Didn’t You say there ‘Is No Test’??”

Agreed. But that’s a Conceptual way of looking at things. What trumps Conceptual data? is IRL Experience data. Hands down.

Why am I testing You, DR? Because I need to find out if I am wasting My time here. I need to get My Own air-quotes ‘Proof’ of Your internal thinking. I need to ‘see’ if Your drawbridge is down or not. And I need to Believe that You Love Me. And if I cannot acquire this data? I’m tapping out. If I fill in the MadLibs blanks & I “don’t like” something in this Story? I’m tapping out. And most importantly: If You intentionally F#ck Me, DR? Like, “on Purpose”? Imma grab My lighter, crumple that MadLibs page into a ball, and Imma set it on fire.

[N: and whether it’s “Ashes to Ashes & Dust to Dust” or “rise again like the Phoenix”? Well, that part of the Story hasn’t been written yet. maybe. “It all Just Depends.”]

 I have unMet Needs, DR. These needs change/evolve, pretty much allll the time. And if You are paying attention – because You Love Me and care about Me and wanna Support AKA Protect Me – You will bring back the air-quotes ‘Right’ shell.

But if You don’t even go to the Beach – the reason is irrelevant – or You have “too much on My Own plate” or are distracted by other external, “More Important Sh#t”… do You know what I am doing?

I’m watching You. And… I’m acquiring data for Our (Yours & Mines) interpersonal relationship File.

If You are My Mom & I all-of-a-sudden Outta Nowhere start “acting out?” There’s a reason for it. This reason is just UNKN to You at the moment. And if You jump to “punishment” and “consequences” and all that external BS? Imma burn up… and whether it’s the first result or the latter result? That part of My Story isn’t written yet. And You? You may never get that part of the Story anyways.

But back to this Story loll.

Imagine I am Your Wife & You are the Husband, DR. If “in the beginning” I used to seek You out, to Connect, to Reveal, to Share My Excitement… and Now, in Current Day? “That ship has sailed?”

There’s a reason for it. You just don’t know it yet. TECH may have already started gathering “How to get a Divorce in Florida” data – after PASSION being triggered over & over & over again to infinity – and once TECH reached “the Tipping Point” now the decision is made. You, DR, just “don’t know it yet.” Because You can’t see the MadLibs – You don’t know how I’ve filled in the blanks. And You can’t jump into My head with Me.

So, the Bottom Line here? You’re f#cked. loll

. . .

Conner’s Comments: This is one of the reasons “Modern Medicine” is in a huge giant Rabbit Hole. Gone are the days when Doctors were close to Their Patients – AKA the “small town” or “Community – before insurance & “managed care” rolled into the scene. Now? Medical Professionals are focused on “fitting the round peg into a square hole” to get Insurance Company approval for payment, instead of using their brains. [N: acknowledging that “Anything is Possible” and weighing the IRL Experience data of Me, the Patient, as the treasure map of how to proceed]

If I invite You over to My House & You light up Your vape thing – all the while insisting “it’s not really smoking!” – I will never invite You back.

But that’s just Me.

If I invite You over to My House & You make a joke at My expense? I will immediately go silent, then I will ask You to leave.

But that’s just Me.

If You sit down to the meal I have so painstakingly prepared – checking for any possible allergies, asking ahead of time for Your preferences, etc. etc. – and instead of having IRL conversation with Me, You whip out Your cellphone and start mindlessly scrolling? I will read You the riot act, and tell You to put it away. [N: final warning]

But that’s just Me.

If You shame Me, or guilt Me, or actively try to embarrass Me – in Public or in Private – I will disConnect from You. And this drawbridge will forever remain shut, barring You from ever returning.

But that’s just Me.

I’m sure there’s a million other things that pi$$ Me off, but TBH it’s hard for Me to imagine them. Why? Because I never let any Other Person get so far down that particular road. I’m not just waiting for the other shoe to drop; if You even reach for it, like You intend to take it off and beat Me over the head with it? Imma stop You right there, @$$hole.

I am extremely, ExtrEMEly protective of My Herd. I will not allow any wolves in sheep’s clothing around to start picking any of Them off, Myself included.

And don’t think “We’ve been Friends for years!” is gonna sway Me. I do it very infrequently, but a “personal boundary” violation – AKA the first time’s always “free” but You won’t get a second chance to actively & ongoingly screw Me over – warrants disConnection in My World. And You won’t really know it’s  happening until it’s done, because I’m not going to scream/fight/yell.

I’m just gonna stop being vulnerable with You. I’m just gonna stop seeking You as My Support Person. Every question is gonna be answered “Fine, Everything’s Fine” and “oh, nothing much – same ole’ same ole” and I will do it with a Cheshire Cat Smile on My face as I slowly vanish before Your eyes.

1. Owe. You. Nothing.

So take Your best shot! And then?

It’s My turn.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: disConnecting from Someone I Trust and I Love is Not easy. Or fun. In fact, PASSION finds it very devastating. But I must protect Myself, and My Life. I already have IRL Experience of Loved Ones – Human Beings I Trusted – make Me wish I was dead. I will never, ever go back into that particular Rabbit Hole. Never.