Stream of CONSCIOUSNESS

And in the Context of that saying? AKA “The meaning that it is intended to convey?” I agree. TECH’s evaluation: This Saying is 100% Accurate.

But – and this is a big butt [N: AKA TDiiTD] – while I can agree, here, I categorically disagree that it requires “a thousand words” to visualize a picture in My SB.

I can pretty much ‘see’ You, DR, within the first few minutes of Connecting with You, talking to Each Other.

“Why? How? WTF?!”

Because I’m watching You. “Every move You make, every step You take… I’ll be watching You.” You see, You were already “on My radar” before I even went to talk to You. PASSION was pinged, somehow, for some UNKN reason. And TECH – pretty much instantaneously – created a File for You, in the Invisible Library. And is now busily acquiring data on You. *scribbles furiously*

That’s Why I can gauge Your worth in a very short – relatively speaking – period of Time.

But here’s where the Devil makes an entrance: Do I keep Connecting with You? Do I keep “showing up?” Technically, does My external behavior continue with respect to You, DR?

That’s for Me to know and You to find out.

The IRL Experience data still goes into the File… and TECH still evaluates this data, pretty much constantly. But! Here’s the Rub: I hafta give TECH the Executive Direction to *always weigh the IRL Experience data as More Important than the Conceptual data”… or TECH will fall into a Rabbit Hole with evaluating stuff.

Here’s a Hypothetical Example: If I just consume a steady diet of Faux News 24/7 – their goal being “trigger the Watcher to get Them to keep tuning in so I can justify My six-figure paycheck” – and spend day-in-day out, stroking My Own d#ck while PASSION imagines all sorts of horrors – PASSION is really, really good at this – then the next time some IRL-black Kid ends up on My doorstep [N: directionally Lost, asking for directions, whatev] then My SB is gonna scream at Me: “Shoot First! Ask Questions Later!?!”

But this is a Rookie mistake.

Something IRL triggered My SB to 1) get scared, 2) blow past TECH’s evaluation of all the data in My Files, and 3) I’m now Judge, Jury, and Executioner.

And yeah, DR. I don’t need to say any more about all the various ways this can go wrong. “I thought it was a Good Idea at the time?!…”

Lemme Plant a Seed for You, here & now: We – all of us Human Beings ‘We’ – have designed this World [N: on purpose] because Why? Because We are a “capitalistic Society.” And what this means for the cheap seats in the back is that the primary goal of Most People & Most Systems is to reach into My back pocket & take the money out of My wallet. Full. f#cking. Stop. [N: You may think I’m triggered, DR, but I’m not… Just tryna make a point]

Think about it. Everything You see on TV, on the Internet, Every article You read, or News report You watch – it’s all designed to trigger My SB in some UNKN way, for Somebody’s UNKN agenda.

And it’s hard – PASSION: “that’s what he said!” – to Not rise to the bait. I totally get it.

But before You start punching a hole in the wall, before You shoot that next line of coke or down that next shot of tequila? Before You pull out Your gun & blow Your Bestie’s head off?

Breathe for a second. Breathe… and keep breathing. Calm the F#ck Down! It’s All Gonna Be Okay, I Promise.

If You can make this one tweak in TECH’s mental process, DR? You can completely change the Game… but not for the rest of the World – Everybody is the Boss of Themselves.

You can change how You are doing it. You can play the Game how You wanna play it.

You can change Your Own Game.

But We all need to keep breathing to play it.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: And after You master this first part, DR? Then We move into Influence… but that’s Another Story for Another day.

“It’s All Gonna Be Okay..”

The necessary Context: Do I know what You air-quotes ‘should’ be doing, DR? Y. Am I gonna tell You? Uhh… Not So Fast.

For any Other Person who is in My Herd? AKA “Connected with” IRL? It’s My personal mission to 1) Help You and 2) Give You the Cheat Codes.

Literally, that’s what I spend most of My Time doing.

If We (You & Me) are Connected? I already Love You. I already want ‘Your Best Life’ for You. Otherwise? I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t bother sharing any of My Stories with You.

So yeah, “It’s Not You, It’s Me” is the saying that applies here.

But as cool as “Love” [N: Conceptually] is – just like bacon is cool, sex is cool, bowling is cool, etc. – it’s not the end-all be-all. [N: and believing so is PASSION suppressing TECH FYI – or! TECH suppressing PASSION?!? You decide, DR]

As much as I wanna help People [N: in general] and You, DR, [N: specifically] I still must honor the Gravity Rule “I am Not the Boss of You. I am only the Boss of Myself.”

So Imma “feel You out.” “Test the waters.” “Throw some spaghetti & see what sticks.”

And I watch, closely. Your communication & behavior(s) – in response to My communication & behavior(s) – is what informs TECH to continue Going… or slamming on the brakes & switching tracks ASAP.

If I drop an F-bomb – and You get triggered by this word – You have “Your reasons.” Me? I don’t care, technically, what Your reasons are. I have My Own reasons. Which probably involve “pushing the envelope” in some way, with the objective of “testing the fences.” If I bite the fence & it electric-shocks Me? Imma stop biting the fence! Duh.

But – and this is a big butt – if I see Something on the other side of that fence – Something I want, Something that “has a lot of Potential” that, if I keep pushing through, I can reach out & touch – I’ll keep biting on the fence. Or playing Chicken, and pecking at that fence. To death.

And I will continue getting electric-shocks – assuming You don’t shut the electricity off, DR – until one of two things happen: You let Me Connect with You? Or… I Die. [N: PASSION has died, in terms of “the desire to keep trying”] It’s where the saying “Dead to Me” comes from.

I don’t control the air-quotes World; I only control My World. And if You are allowed access to My World? The only way I can do it is invite You in, Mr. Vampire. And You too, in reverse. Knowing full-well I can totally f#ck You up.

“You’re just gonna hafta Trust Me.”

The necessary Context: I’m breaking My “only One trigger warning” Rule, but it can’t be helped. And… My SB is pinging Me right now, telling Me “Dude!? They are gonna think You are a Bilble-Thumper again!”… but, that can’t be helped, either.

You are the Boss of You, DR. Whatever You “think” of Me? Whatever data You wanna put into Your Own “Conner” mental File? That has literally nothing to do with Me. Sure, I’m the Conceptual object out here – that this File data “points to” – but whether You think I am a Genius or a Psycho? I’m probably not gonna be able to change Your mind. So, whatev.

Moving on!

I know a common acronym “Everybody Knows” – okay okay, maybe not air-quotes ‘EVERYbody’ – is this: WWJD? But Me personally? It’s far more instructive – and useful, on the ground AKA IRL – to consider What Jesus Wouldn’t Do. But – and this is a big butt – probably not for the reason You think, DR.

When I use My “Narrator” voice to add commentary about My Life, I am using the perspective of a “3^rd Party Observer.” I find this process very useful, because it helps TECH evaluate the data in My mental Files: “Am I behaving in such a way as to be consistent with My Own authentic Identity?” Are You, DR?

And this – THIS – is the Money Shot. It’s not enough to just constantly evaluate My Own behavior [N: “I know what I’m doing”] – it’s way more useful to TECH to evaluate the Other Person’s behavior. Any OP I’m Connected with right now. Any Other Person I consider to be “in My Herd” AKA the People I Trust.

And if You cross Me? There Will be Hell to Pay. “It All just Depends.”

Am I gonna punch You in the face? Maybe. Am I gonna murder You? Shoot You dead with My gun? Maybe. But TECH has an entire List of options – and adds to this List every minute – and in Current Day? I just grab the lowest-hanging fruit:

“Imma take My Toys and go home.” I’m gonna disConnect from You, DR.

Why do I choose this option for My response to You trying to f#ck My sh#t up? Because of this Rule: it’s called the “I only care about Myself” rule. It’s what has kept Me out of a lot of IRL trouble – once I figured it out – which is, ‘I don’t care where I am, what I’m doing, what I’m supposed to be doing, Who You are, Who You are in relation to Me, etc. etc.’ If You are doing Something – Anything – to Me that PASSION [N: AKA My gut] is screaming at Me: “Dude. I don’t like this. This is hurting Me.”? Imma getting away from You as fast as My little feet can carry Me.

Because Why? Because Jesus – My Conceptual understanding of Who Jesus Is – wouldn’t do what You are doing to Me.

And that’s how I can say (inside My Own head) that “Jesus Loves Me.” It’s because I believe this – PASSION believes this – that I can imagine crushing Your skull with a brick, if You show up on My doorstep without My consent. [N: loll – okay okay! but PASSION loves imagining this retribution stuff… and Conscious Me allows it, knowing full well I won’t be taking any external actions consistent with these thoughts]

. . .

Conner’s Comments: This is what I’m guessing is the air-quotes ‘problem’ with organized religion Nowadays & Why all the proverbial rats are fleeing the ship – it’s a total lack of Equilibrium to focus on just “the Sinner” and ignore the Other Person that f#cked Me up in the first place. Dogma calls this OP “the Devil” – but IMO? That’s too simplistic. Fun Fact: did You know there are only a handful of documented instances in the Bible where JC uses the label, “sinner”? Look it up!… there’s an article about it on the Internet about it somewheres.

Yes, DR, I’m talking to You. [N: spoken in PASSION’s best Al Pacino voice] **I started writing this Story when the title was still “How Beautiful” lmao**

I went somewhere this morning, to Connect with a bunch of Friendly Strangers. This was the second time I’ve mingled among these particular Folks; PASSION gave a thumbs up to Myself last week – which was My first “Meet Cute” with this Group of Human Beings – but I got lots of dopamine jolts that first time, so naturally I am back for more.

While I was there, distracted by the goings-on – I heard this song.

It totally pinged PASSION, but TECH had difficulty finding the data in the Files – I couldn’t recall the name of the song, the lyrics to the song, or anything… but the reason PASSION was pinged in the hearing of the song? The intensity of the feelings from My Own Memories. [N: I’ve done a lot of singing in My History, and this song was oft-requested, especially for weddings]

I was so moved by the listening to it, I walked up to ask the Lady sitting at the piano – Carol – what the title was.

Carol’s eyes connected with Mine & I see her lips form the words, “How Beautiful.” Because I wasn’t paying attention, I didn’t realize Carol was actually playing the song right at that moment… and when that realization dawned on Me, I smacked PASSION upside the head, reminding Myself to “Pay More Attention, Dude?!” in the Future.

When I returned to the safety of My Sanctuary, PASSION was still “bugged” by hearing the song earlier. In order to satisfy My need to at least sing it one more time IRL, I Googled “how beautiful karaoke” and got a bunch of offerings. The Twila original version is a bit out of My vocal range, so I kept searching until I found a vid in a better key for Me. [N: back in the olden days I could sing in Twila’s key, but I haven’t exercised My singing voice, in Current Day, for more than a hundred years now. So… yeah.

Back to My Story.

I was surprised to discover I couldn’t make it through the entire 4.40 minute song. And I made more than one attempt at it. loll

No, I have the lyrics. And the musical accompaniment. It’s a little rough on My actual vocal instrument, but the reason I had trouble is because as I am singing this song right now, My SB is being triggered… and there’s clearly some residual NEC buried, somewhere, because I am bursting into tears before I get to the End.

I blame the OP who shared Carol’s “personal business” with Me, earlier. I know Why They chose to do so: They were Prioritizing Their interpersonal relationship with Carol. As part of Carol’s Herd, They were giving Carol indirect Support… wanting to make sure I had this relevant Context so as to Influence Me to Not “say anything Stupid” or unfeeling or opposite-of-compassionate while interacting with Carol in this episode. [N: *Spoiler Alert!* there was zero chance of Me doing any of this loll]

Later – after the party was over – I remained near Carol, hovering. I didn’t verbalize My knowledge of Frank, but I could read Carol’s body language and guess that “She already knew I was probably already told about it.” I watched as Carol broke down her music gear. [N: all Performers have this Invisible Work, following a music gig]

While She moved around – this breakdown of stuff was happening in Auto-Pilot, FYI – Carol sensed My presence. Occasionally, Our eyes (Hers & Mines) locked, and We played a friendly little game of “Small Talk” for several minutes.

Then? “Outta Nowhere” – Carol revealed the Money Shot. It was a moment of naked vulnerability.  PASSION caught it. [N: PASSION is a People-Watcher: ready to leap tall buildings like Superman, rescue a Kitten from a sewer pipe, be a CPR-trained Friendly Stranger in a fancy restaurant while sitting next to a table where one of the Guests is now choking to death… etc. etc.]

“I’m still getting used to the word, ‘Widow.’”

*mental grenade explodes*

“I get it. But You know what?…” and I Planted this Seed for Carol, the Seed I wanted Someone to plant for Me:

“You don’t have to accept Anybody’s label. There Is No Test.”

And I went on to tell Carol it’s Her Life, She’s the Boss, She’s the only one that gets to decide how She wants to Live Her Own Life, what names to call Herself, etc. etc.

And then… I disappeared. Episode wrapped, curtain is dropped, My job was done here. *Poof!* just like magic.

And that, DR, is how You Plant a f#cking Seed. If I am talking to You? You & I are Connected, right now, in this moment? There’s only one of two things You want from Me. Only two things You need from Me. Everything else is just… details.

PASSION needs Support. -or- TECH needs data.

The trick is knowing which situation We are in right now. Because it’s never gonna be “clear enough.” It’s never gonna be black & white.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I did actually get CPR-trained; *runs over to look at certificate on My wall* two years ago in August? I did post pics on My Insta. [N: it any events gets pics posted on social media? You know it really got Me] But I hope I never am around Somebody who is choking, because I’m not confident I could help save Them. [N: the difference between Conceptual data & Experience data, again] TECH is bugged to this day by that  MadLibs blank… sooner or later, I’ll take CPR class two or three more times. “Three times a charm,” after all.

I Love Stories! I recall – back in the olden days – hiding under the covers, flashlight in one hand, book in the other hand – and escaping from the IRL torment of My Life. [N: as a Child, with zero control over all the various levers]

It’s also how I first became aware of PASSION – it’s usually always PASSION that is driving the car, when I am being self-soothed. [N: but that’s Another Story for Another day]

Why do I want You, DR, to tell Me a Story? For a couple reasons. First? It let’s TECH acquire new, UNKN-to-Me-prior data to flesh out My Files. Second? It let’s PASSION Connect with You. Learn Who You are. Feel… closer to You.

But here’s the Why AKA The Bottom Line.

I Love when You tell Me a Story, DR, because You Trust Me.

Yeah, I know I know. Counter-intuitive. “How do these dots connect, Conner?!” Well, I consider Story-telling to be a “Trust” thing because You, DR, are sharing “intimate details about Your Own Real Life” with Me – a complete separate Human Being to whom You “owe Nothing” to.

So to do this kind of vulnerable reveal involves Trust.

I tell My Stories about My Own Personal IRL History here, now, because I trust You to keep My secrets. Are there any guarantees that You will? Nope. If We are Connected IRL – and You know where I work, where I live, the church I attend – You could totally “rat My out” or explode actual bombs in My IRL Foxhole. You could point a hypothetical gun at Me, and shoot Me. Dead.

And TECH would “justify” doing it. Because “Conner needs to behave” or “Conner needs to conform” or “Conner shouldn’t be rocking the boat.”

It’s TECH’s Rookie mistake. [N: and a tell, of Not enough internal Equilibrium]

But again, I air-quotes ‘forgive’ TECH for thinking like this – it’s just how He’s drawn; He’s not really ‘Bad’ per se – because I’m still aware of the “I am Not the Boss of You” Rule.

But back to My Story.

One of My very first “under the covers” Stories I read, Historical documents-speaking? Charlotte’s Web. At first? I identified with Wilbur. Then, Fern. Then, the Geese. And finally, Charlotte. Thinking about each of these Characters – and what specific data Their Own unique perspective(s) revealed to Me – gives Me chills on My arm to this day.

Why could Fern ‘hear’ the all the Animals ‘talking English?’ Was Fern air-quotes ‘Crazy’? Was Fern a Psycho? A Sociopath? Was it all in Fern’s head, meaning “Fern is just imagining all of this?” Sure, TECH, but You are obviously not “suspending Your disbelief” right now – and that means “You are missing the Plot.”

*mental grenade explodes*

First there was radio.. then TV… and now – in Current Day – We have the Big Baddie “the Internet.” But radio doesn’t really “count” technically speaking, because radio didn’t have any visuals to it – just like when any Other Person tells Me a Story: All I can do is ‘listen’ to the words They are using. And PASSION “imagines the visuals” on My Own.

And then TV shows up, and now TECH is all “up in arms” that “don’t leave Kids watching TV 24/7!?! Only “Bad Parents” do that!!” again, TECH is missing the Plot. It’s not that TV itself [N: or even watching TV] is inherently bad. Just like the Internet is not inherently bad. It’s just a tool, that serves up visuals to My SB. Similar to a gun, that Ends a physical Life – be that a Human Being, or a Cat, or a Deer, or what-have-You.

So if You, DR, have ever used the justification, “Guns don’t Kill People, People Kill People” then I would turn it right back on You: “The Internet is not the Culprit… the Culprit is the People.”

Everything TECH thinks is Bad in this World is because there are “People” with fingers in the pot. And as the saying goes, “too many Cooks in the Kitchen ruins the Soup.”

If I am worried about My Kid who’s gonna get in to trouble – get hurt, get damaged, get broken, or get killed – on the Internet? Well, it seems obvious to Me, but Imma give My Kid reasons to *not* go on the Internet!? DUh. Why is He going there? I dunno exactly – I’m Not inside His head, and I haven’t asked Him verbally, yet – but here’s My guess: My Kid is on the Internet because Real Life is hard! It’s tough! And – a lot of the time – it’s “sh#tty” and “no fun!” Which *Spoiler Alert!* points to PASSION.

PASSION has unMet Needs, and the Internet is a Reasonable Substitute for Me – the Dad in this Story – spending time w/ My Son, Connecting with Him, giving Him a “Safe Space” to be vulnerable with Me, share His thoughts/wishes/dreams with Me.

So what came first? “The Chicken?… or, the Egg?”

I want My Son to Tell Me His Stories… and He’s only gonna do that if He Trusts Me.

/CR

. . .

Conner’s Comments: My Son is now an Adult. We both are! And as such, We are both super busy, “living Our Best Lives.” That’s how this Game is played, eh? But I will send Him a bid, periodically, when PASSION pings His Name in My SB. Or the reverse happens. [N: His PASSION pings, and He messages Me] And We (He & Me) reConnect, get caught up, and tell Each Other Stories. The “latest episodes.” I’ve learned to Never Ignore PASSION’s pinging, because for all I know? He needs My help. My emotional Support. He’s struggling – with His job, with His marriage, He’s in a Rabbit Hole, etc. etc. – and shipwrecked boat is seeking My lighthouse for guidance. I Connect with Him, because I never know if that’s going to be the Last Time I Ever Connect with Him… that part of the Story isn’t written yet.

The Context: https://people.com/man-says-married-female-friend-revealed-she-fell-in-love-with-him-11719375 [N: the reading prerequisite]

**Spoiler Alert!** This is mostly a Conceptual discussion FYI. Whenever You wanna “tap out”? You do You. But if You wanna stick around, You might learn something useful.

. . .

“I felt I’d made a new best friend. Almost like a sibling.” – PASSION is speaking, here.

“We had that instant ‘wow you really get me’ spark,” he said. – PASSION again. This tells Me this Man & His Ladyfriend are ‘Soulmates,’ according to Me.

“his friend started “distancing” herself from him.” – this is tricky. My guess? This Man is PASSION-Primary, the Ladyfriend is likely TECH-Primary, and because the Man’s behavior inspired the Lady’s PASSION side of Her SB to “rear Her ugly head” – it scared Her.

“knows distancing herself from him was “absolutely the right thing to do,” but also admits that “I now feel devastated.” – TECH “knows it’s the Right thing to do” blah blah blah. PASSION is the one Who feels devastated, as this is a potential disConnection – and disConnected from PASSION – for any reason – is super painful.

“I almost feel like I’m grieving.” – feelings = PASSION. A huge tell.

“Maybe because I know now we can never be friends again?” – TECH rearing “His ugly head.”

“And I feel so sad for her that she’s in all that pain [N: PASSION] — and I can’t make it any better,” [N: TECH, Mr. Fix-It] he added.

“Why am I so sad?” the man asked at the end of his post, adding, “Please help me rationalize this.”

This last sentence here: This is a Rookie mistake. He’s looking for Proof that this is the right move to make AKA disConnecting from this Ladyfriend. Me? I disagree. Ignoring – suppressing PASSION – always bites Me in the @$$. Without Fail.

This Commenter, responding to the Man, was actually pretty accurate in this particular assessment: “You are absolutely allowed to grieve the loss of an important friendship and partnership,” one person said. “It sounds like this came completely out of [left field] for you. Please give yourself some time to process. Your friend has had a whole other narrative going on throughout the relationship and you are left to process a ton of new information.”

This Other Person [N: AKA Someone Else] kinda screwed the pooch IMO; “the Road to Hell is paved with the Best Intentions”:

“This is really sad OP. Very rare to make a new friend you really click with in adulthood, and your shared business venture sounded exciting. It’s a big loss for you so be kind to yourself.” – Someone is saying “the way to get past this moment is to focus on self-soothing.” I never recommend this Seed, because if this Man is an alcoholic IRL, He’s gonna use this negative situation to fall off the wagon, hypothetically speaking of course.

“It’s a disenfranchised loss too as you can’t really talk about your sadness about this to your own wife I’d imagine,” the same person added. – Here? This OP – well-meaning, I’m sure – is projecting: If I am imagining Myself in this situation, I personally could Never Talk To My Wife about it. That’s where this Someone is coming from by verbalizing this. It’s Conceptual advice, pointing at Myself.

If I was this Man? Here’s what I would do, to “Do it Over Again.” I would tweak a few things because I don’t want to break My Own heart this way, IRL, under any circumstances.

1. Right from the beginning of this Connection with this Ladyfriend? Let’s call Her “Jane.” I would start talking about Jane indirectly. Mentioning Her name as I share Work Stories during dinnertime. I would observe My Wife’s reactions/response – let’s call Her “Melissa.”- and if Melissa verbalized any extreme emotions or body language that told Me She’s triggered, I’d hafta try to piece that out, carefully, over time. But I would keep pecking at it, like a Chicken. [N: I am trying to reduce Melissa’s feelings of “I’m threatened by this Other Woman” AKA Jane]

• I would invite Jane over to have dinner with Me & My Wife. With IRL mutual Experience data – instead of the Conceptual data in Melissa’s SB – She could more easily gather IRL Truthful data firsthand that Jane is My Sister AKA Buddy, not a air-quotes “Potential Sexual Partner.” Note: this IRL mutual Experience data also would have benefited Jane… Who I’m guessing “fell in Love with Me” because of the Concept of Me in Her Own SB is irresistible – instead of the Reality of Me, IRL. [N: Note however that Conceptual People super-imposed on IRL People are basically grenades waiting to go off – and blow Everybody up]

• I would always Prioritize the Relationship with Melissa. If – despite My best intentions & efforts – She, in a moment of communication & vulnerability – says to Me: “Conner? I just don’t feel comfortable with Jane. I’m sorry. I know You like Her, but I just… can’t.” If Melissa takes one more step & demands I disConnect with Jane, here? She’s making a Rookie mistake – Melissa has lost the plot – because My Wife is Not the Boss of Me. This kind of directive breeds feelings of resentment. [N: in Me, and in My Own SB] So in My hypothetical scenario, Melissa stops before taking that step.

I don’t know how much this Man truly loves His Wife. I don’t know and.. it’s irrelevant. All these People are Conceptual to Me, personally. But doing this Thought Exercise every so often is constructive, because My SB gets “all the sides of the Elephant” perspective data, for when I am in a Real Life situation – this exact situation – and what moves I can make to try to get to My Own Happy Ending, regardless of which Character role I am reading for in this stage performance.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: Does this always result in a Happy Ending? Nope. But.. a Happy Ending Is Possible. Anything is Possible. But each Human Being lives the Life They want to, and Becomes the Person They want to become. It’s all choices. And Priorities. And balancing Everybody’s needs, both internally & externally.

Good Luck.

/CR

Thanks MM! – clearly, I listened to a lot of Your music back in the day. And… I liked it. [N: pun – and associated innuendo –  intended]

I throw spaghetti. A lot. Why? To see what sticks. In certain circles, this is labeled “Trial & Error.”

To be accurate, though, IRL it’s actually “Trial/tweak/Trial/tweak some more/Trial/Trial/TrialTrialTrial-infinity…” I didn’t remove the “Error” technically- it’s still in the sub-text – but I’m trusting Your SB, DR, to understand this Concept.

But I’m also trying to refocus Your attn on the detail I consider to be the most important, and that is Not the fact that I am f#cking up, left & right, all over the place, over and over and over again.

I’m trying to get You to look at the fact that I Keep Trying – to “do it”… better. [N: PASSION “that’s what She said!”]

Most stuff I f#ck up doesn’t need the entire wheel created again from scratch; it just needs a little tweaking here & there. Just like learning to “Pleasure a Woman” – having a Conceptual understanding of “How to Make Love” will only get You so far. The rest of the way? I need to pay attention to what’s Right in Front of Me: The living, breathing, flesh-and-blood Human Being – hopefully in this hypothetical scenario, a big-tittied naked one, wearing a tie and nothing else – who is a party to My goal. The Yin to My Yang. The Light to My Dark. The Positive to My Negative. In all the ways that two distinct, unique Human Beings can establish Equilibrium with Each Other.

But that’s not what this Story’s even about – My bad, I got totally distracted there for a minute. loll

When any Other Person is talking to Me – in “the Exchange of Ideas” as Folks tend to do all over the place – and all-of-a-sudden They give Me a bid: They ask Me for advice. What They aren’t asking Me for is “what I would do if I were Them.” {N: I’m Not Them. I don’t have the same data in My Files as They do in Theirs] They aren’t asking Me for “what I would do if I was in this same exact situation.” [N: imagining I am is helpful only to a certain degree – but if I am Prioritizing this OP in this exact moment, this isn’t gonna help Them either]

What They are asking Me for is data to fill in Their Own MadLibs blanks. The blanks in Their Own Story.

It’s like a newly sexually active Teenager talking to His Buddy about f#cking girls, and how much fun that is, and how I wake up with a hard-on most days even dreaming about f#cking girls, and-and-and… Me – as the Buddy, here – have an objective to Influence My Friend Bryson to stay in His lane. To not get into trouble. To not Be a D#ckhead. To Not rape My Sister. Or My Mother. I am the only Person alive, in this moment, that has this opportunity. And if there’s one thing about Me? I never miss an opportunity to Plant a Seed for Other People. Never.

But I’m gonna be super duper sneaky about it. Bryson won’t see Me coming. Because like the Good Clown that I am, Imma distract Him. And Plant the Seeds – in the breaths in-between – that I know will have the most impact.

This is Why Teachers are My favorite kind of Humans. They walk into the coliseum, willingly, to battle the roaring tigers Who just wanna rip their heads off & eat Them as a tasty snack! They walk in – On Purpose.

But it’s not just Teachers, and it’s not just in a classroom. From My perspective? Class is In Session. Here. Now.

“The Doctor Is In”

[N: I’ll give You a million fake dollars, DR, if You can name that reference]

You know, I wonder sometimes what Life – Conceptually – is supposed to be “All About.” Why & I even here? Especially considering lots of stuff I’ve Experienced IRL totally sucks?

And… that’s not the question I should be asking Myself, in all honesty. Why? *checked Notes* It’s a TECH question.

PASSION be like, “Who Cares?!” *skipping along My merry path* “I only care about Myself!?! Everyone Else is on Their Own! I am the only Boss of Myself, not those Other People!”

And this makes Me pause, internally, because this isn’t just PASSION speaking. It’s actually both of Them. This is My now, in-Current-Day, more Equalized answer to the question.

Trying to think really hard, lemme see if I can carve out an exclusively PASSION-esque answer, DR.

“Who Cares?! I’ve been completely f#cked by My Family until now, so Imma f#ck Everybody Else up, too. Because I’m f#cking hurting – and the People that were supposed to Love Me? Didn’t.”

Dammit. Nope.. this is also an Equalized answer.

And here’s the Point, DR. Just because I am focusing on Equalization doesn’t automatically mean “everything’s peachy-keen.” It doesn’t mean I’ve “figured Everything out.” It definitely doesn’t mean “I have all the Answers to the World’s problems.”

What it means is this:

It means that – come hell or high water – I’m not ignoring any part of Myself. I’m not suppressing Anybody’s unmet needs. I’m not trying to “logically explain away” why I feel this or that or the other thing.

To co-opt one of Society’s labels for My Own purposes? To Me, it’s about Self-Respect.

*mental grenade explodes*

Being present, with Myself, in every single moment & in every single situation I happen to be in right now – regardless of whether it’s “Good” or “Bad” – keeps Me better equipped, better prepared to deal with… Anything. Because “Anything is Possible.”

And I like being ready.

. . .

Conner’s Comments: I believe – this is Me, personally, based on My Own History – that the Reason I cannot give a pure PASSION answer is because the data in My mental Files only gives Me examples of PASSION recovering from trauma. And when PASSION is trying to self-soothe from IRL traumatic Experiences? PASSION goes into a Rabbit Hole, sometimes for years. I’ve made it out of these RHs enough to function, clearly, but I just want You to know DR, that it is possible to get through this tunnel. Just, don’t stop the train. That’s a Rookie mistake.